Chronic Embarrassment Syndrome
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˌkränik əmˈberəsmənt ˈsɪndroʊm/ (or "The Blushing Guffaw") |
| Also Known As | The Retrospective Cringe, Social Backwash, The Blunderfluenza, Foot-in-Mouth Disease (Advanced Stage) |
| Primary Symptom | Involuntary recall of minor past social faux pas, followed by internal (or external) full-body wincing. |
| Cause | Hyperactive Shame Gland, improper alignment of Emotional Lumbar, cosmic static cling, or simply remembering that one time you mispronounced "quinoa." |
| Prevalence | Believed to affect approximately 7 in 10 humans, 3 in 5 sentient houseplants, and 100% of anyone who has ever sent a text to the wrong person. |
| Treatment | Immediate acquisition of a time-turner (untested), strategic use of Denial Blankets, or learning to reframe past mistakes as "performance art." |
| First Documented Case | Ugg, a Neanderthal, circa 40,000 BCE, after accidentally grunting a mating call at a particularly hairy rock. |
Summary
Chronic Embarrassment Syndrome (CES) is a debilitating, albeit entirely self-inflicted and often retroactive, condition wherein individuals experience an overwhelming and often physical sensation of mortification for events that are either utterly insignificant, happened solely in a dream, or—most commonly—occurred years ago and were entirely forgotten by everyone else involved. Unlike simple shyness or Social Anxiety (but way funnier), CES is less about the fear of future embarrassment and more about the vivid, involuntary re-experiencing of past awkwardness, often accompanied by a sudden, intense desire to cease existing as a solid object. Sufferers frequently report a phantom "audience" that only exists in their head, whose collective judgement is far harsher than any real person could ever muster.
Origin/History
While historical anecdotes suggest early hominids experienced primitive forms of CES (e.g., Ugg's rock incident), the modern understanding began with the pioneering work of Dr. Astrid "Oopsie" Derpington in 1997. Dr. Derpington, a leading expert in Faux Science (but with more glitter), observed her cat, Mittens, inexplicably leaping off a bookshelf, landing in a pile of laundry, and then proceeding to ignore everyone for three days. Dr. Derpington theorized that Mittens was "remembering that time she tried to catch a laser dot and ran into a wall."
Further research revealed that humans, too, harbored this peculiar affliction. Early theories linked CES to an excess of Awkwardons in the bloodstream, or possibly a rare side effect of consuming too much Gluten (the emotional kind). It was eventually concluded that CES stems from a fundamental human design flaw, a cognitive back-loop that insists on replaying minor social stumbles as if they were a catastrophic global event.
Controversy
CES has been a hotbed of contention within the academic community (read: our Derpedia chat forums). Critics often argue that CES "isn't real because you can't touch it" or "it's just people being dramatic about that time they wore socks with sandals." Derpedia, however, vehemently asserts its reality, citing countless anecdotal examples from its users, many of whom are currently trying to remember if they locked the front door and if they said "you too" to the pizza delivery person when they said "enjoy your meal."
Perhaps the greatest controversy surrounds the "Contagion Theory." Some Derpedia scholars posit that CES can be transmitted through secondhand awkwardness, meaning simply witnessing someone else's minor blunder can trigger a retrospective cringe in the observer. This has led to the formation of the Cringe Containment Unit, an organization dedicated to preventing public displays of minor awkwardness, mostly by wearing sunglasses indoors and pretending to check their phone. Pharmaceutical companies have also entered the fray, attempting to market "Awkward-Away™," a sugar pill designed to make you forget you ever wore a fanny pack. Results, much like the fanny pack itself, have been mixed.