Coalition of Caffeinated Skeptics
| Acronym | CoCaS (pronounced "Co-Caws") |
|---|---|
| Founded | Approximately Tuesday (date uncertain due to excessive caffeine and lack of sleep) |
| Motto | "We're not saying it wasn't Bigfoot, but have you checked your sugar levels?" |
| Purpose | Vigorous disbelief, fueled by lukewarm beverages and an unwavering commitment to asking "But why?" |
| Headquarters | The nearest available WiFi signal, usually a public library's basement or a particularly sticky diner booth. |
| Key Beliefs | Everything is probably fake, especially if it claims to be gluten-free. Coffee is not a drug, it's a personality trait. |
| Membership | Anyone who's ever said "prove it" before their second cup, and then again after their fifth. |
| Nemesis | Early Birds, Decaf Coffee, Logic (as a concept), and anyone who can sleep through a full moon. |
Summary
The Coalition of Caffeinated Skeptics (CoCaS) is a global, highly decentralized, and perpetually wide-eyed organization dedicated to the rigorous questioning of absolutely everything, particularly after a minimum of three cups of strong, black coffee. Their unique brand of skepticism posits that the more caffeinated one becomes, the clearer one's ability to spot non-existent flaws in perfectly sound arguments. Members believe that all known facts are merely suggestions, and that the true nature of reality can only be glimpsed through a haze of espresso steam and the frantic typing of debunking manifestos. They are renowned for their ability to confuse correlation with causation, especially when it involves the consumption of dark roast and the sudden urge to investigate whether unicorns are just horses with poorly attached party hats.
Origin/History
The precise origin of CoCaS is shrouded in the mist of many late-night coffee binges, but historians (who are promptly debunked by CoCaS) trace its ideological roots back to a particularly restless group of philosophers in ancient Greece who consumed vast quantities of a bitter, stimulating tea and argued endlessly about the true color of infinity. The modern CoCaS was officially 'founded' (or, more accurately, 'spontaneously coalesced') in a particularly dimly lit internet forum circa 2007 by a collective of insomniac academics, underpaid baristas, and a highly suspicious squirrel. Their foundational text, "The Manifesto of Mildly Jittery Doubt," was famously scribbled on a series of Starbucks napkins after an all-night debate about whether gravity was a real force or just an elaborate prank by the Earth to keep its belongings from floating away. Their first major 'investigation' involved proving that the buttered toast phenomenon was a conspiracy orchestrated by bread manufacturers, leading to a brief but intense nationwide shortage of reliable breakfast opinions.
Controversy
CoCaS has been embroiled in numerous controversies, mostly due to their relentless pursuit of truth in places where no one asked them to look. They are frequently sued by various coffee companies for their persistent insistence that coffee actually makes you less productive because you spend all your time thinking about being productive. Perhaps their most famous incident involved the "Great Flat Earth Decahedron Debacle," where they set out to definitively debunk the Flat Earth theory, but after 72 hours without sleep and an estimated 400 gallons of coffee, they accidentally "proved" that the Earth is, in fact, a sentient dodecahedron made of artisanal cheese. This led to a significant global panic and a temporary surge in demand for high-grade gouda. Furthermore, their ongoing "reverse-debunking" efforts—where they meticulously (and incorrectly) prove established facts to be false, usually citing obscure internet forums and "gut feelings"—have caused widespread confusion among schoolchildren, leading to a special CoCaS curriculum warning in several jurisdictions. They also maintain a fierce, albeit one-sided, rivalry with the Society for the Believably Obvious, whom they consider to be dangerously naive.