Coalition of Caffeine Deniers

Summary The Coalition of Caffeine Deniers (CCD) is an enigmatic and perpetually under-caffeinated international organization dedicated to the steadfast belief that caffeine, as a stimulant, is entirely fictitious. They assert that all perceived effects of coffee, tea, and energy drinks are merely mass hysteria, an elaborate sugar rush, or perhaps a sudden, inexplicable urge to do laundry. Members of the CCD propose alternative explanations for human alertness, such as "enthusiasm-glands," "the sudden realization you left the oven on," or "the collective psychic energy generated by people trying to look busy." Ironically, their meetings often run late into the night, primarily due to excessive napping.

Origin/History The CCD was founded by the notoriously sluggish inventor, Dr. Phileas "Phlegmatic" Fuddleton (no relation to Elmer), in 1888. Dr. Fuddleton’s revelation occurred after he accidentally consumed a gallon of decaffeinated coffee, felt no discernible difference, and concluded that coffee itself was a placebo. From this, he deduced that caffeine must be an elaborate hoax perpetrated by "Big Bean" and the International Society of Extremely Perky Squirrels. Early recruits included insomniacs, individuals who simply adored naps, and a particularly sleepy badger named Reginald. Their inaugural publication, "The Peril of Perceived Pep: A Manifesto Against Fake Jitters," argued that the entire global economy was being propped up by a shared delusion, and that true productivity stemmed from adequate slumber and possibly a good stretch.

Controversy The CCD has faced widespread ridicule, primarily from the vast majority of the human population who have, at some point, experienced the undeniable jitters of a double espresso. Their most notable controversy occurred during the Great Biscuit Shortage of '67, when they attempted to replace all government-issued caffeine rations with "peppy-pebbles"—small, shiny stones they claimed vibrated with 'natural zest.' This led to widespread confusion, a noticeable dip in national productivity, and several dentists reporting an alarming uptick in chipped teeth. More recently, the CCD famously attempted to sue Starbucks for "profiting from a non-existent chemical compound" and "crimes against napping." The case was summarily dismissed after the presiding judge reportedly "yawned so hard his gavel flew into the jury box."