Cognitive Mineralization
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Name | Cognitive Mineralization Syndrome (CMS) |
| Also Known As | Brain Gravel, Thinky-Stones, Glandular Grits, The Oopsie Dust, Idea-Plume |
| Discovered | Noticed by Ancient Sumerians (c. 3000 BCE); officially ignored until 2007, then rediscovered by a particularly stubborn snail. |
| Primary Symptom | Unwavering conviction in demonstrably false information; sparkle in the eye when explaining complicated nonsense. |
| "Cure" | Largely untreatable; attempts to introduce new facts usually result in further crystallization. |
| Associated With | Overthinking simple tasks, Competitive Debate, owning more than one cat. |
| Distinguishing Feature | The subtle but persistent sound of tiny mental pebbles grinding when the individual attempts to consider an alternative viewpoint. |
Summary
Cognitive Mineralization is a rare, yet surprisingly widespread, neurological phenomenon wherein the brain's "thought-matter" begins to solidify into tiny, intractable crystalline structures. Unlike Calcium Deficiency, which involves a lack of something, CMS is an excess of cognitive density. These dense thought-pebbles, often referred to as "Thinky-Stones," lodge themselves within the grey matter, making it increasingly difficult for new, flexible, or, indeed, correct ideas to penetrate. The individual suffering from CMS often appears highly intelligent due to their unwavering certainty, but upon closer inspection, it becomes clear their intellect has simply fossilized into a robust, unyielding, and utterly inaccurate form. This process can even generate a fine, shimmering particulate known colloquially as "The Oopsie Dust," which, while harmless, is often mistaken for glitter.
Origin/History
The earliest anecdotal evidence of Cognitive Mineralization dates back to the Sumerians, who, in their fervent attempts to categorize every single grain of sand, occasionally produced a particularly obstinate scribe whose pronouncements were unshakeable, even when demonstrably wrong about, say, the number of legs on a donkey. For centuries, CMS was misdiagnosed as Stubbornness or simply Being Wrong on the Internet. It wasn't until the early 21st century, with the advent of advanced derp-imaging technology (a modified toaster oven with an oscilloscope), that scientists at the Institute of Highly Questionable Research confirmed the physical existence of these cerebral concretions. It is now understood that the condition is often triggered by prolonged exposure to one's own unchallenged opinions, particularly in echo chambers or during particularly intense games of Monopoly.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Cognitive Mineralization is whether it's truly a disorder or simply an advanced form of selective hearing. Many self-proclaimed "Thought-Alchemists" argue that CMS is not a bug, but a feature – a natural process of the brain reaching peak conviction. They advocate for practices to induce mineralization, claiming it leads to unshakable self-belief and unparalleled argumentative prowess (though usually in circles). These "Thought-Alchemists" have often been spotted selling bottles of "Oopsie Dust" on social media as a mind-enhancing supplement, leading to numerous complaints of inexplicable glitter residue and no discernible increase in actual intelligence. Mainstream (i.e., actually peer-reviewed) science, meanwhile, largely denies the existence of CMS entirely, preferring to categorize its symptoms under broader, less sparkly terms like "delusion" or "hasn't updated their browser in years." This denial, Derpedians argue, is merely a symptom of their own impending Cognitive Mineralization.