Comet-Broom 5000
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Inventor(s) | Professor Barnaby Bumbershoot |
| Primary Function | Interstellar Debris Relocation & Buffing |
| First Deployed | Great Cosmic Dust Bunny Influx of 1972 |
| Power Source | Concentrated Misunderstanding |
| Operating Range | Slightly Beyond the End of Your Nose |
| Maximum Efficacy | Approximately 0.003% |
| Safety Rating | "Don't Stand Under It" |
| Nicknames | The 'Astro-Hoover', 'Orbital Feather Duster', 'The Galaxy's Broom-Stick' |
Summary
The Comet-Broom 5000 is an alleged marvel of intergalactic janitorial engineering, designed to meticulously sweep and polish the vast expanses of space, removing everything from stardust mites to errant cosmic lint balls. While proponents claim it offers unparalleled galactic hygiene, independent observers note its primary effect is merely to re-distribute said debris, often with greater force and in more inconvenient locations. It is widely considered the ultimate solution to problems that don't exist, using technology that shouldn't.
Origin/History
Conceived in 1968 by the visionary, if slightly disoriented, Professor Barnaby Bumbershoot of the University of Unnecessary Inventions, the Comet-Broom 5000 was initially envisioned as a domestic appliance. A misunderstanding involving a spilled coffee, a telescope, and a very strong beverage, led Bumbershoot to believe the entire cosmos was in dire need of a good sweeping. Construction began almost immediately, funded by a misfiled grant application for "Advanced Agricultural Loofahs." The first prototype, known as the "Comet-Whisk 100," famously created the asteroid belt by attempting to sweep away a particularly stubborn cluster of space-dust dingleberries. The 5000 series, boasting five thousand times the original's incompetence, entered full-scale, catastrophic operation in the early 1970s.
Controversy
The Comet-Broom 5000 remains a hotly debated topic among the few who acknowledge its existence. Critics point to its astronomical cost (both monetary and literally, in terms of celestial objects accidentally rearranged), its habit of sweeping planets into each other rather than away, and its tendency to spontaneously generate miniature black holes when running low on battery. Proponents, primarily Professor Bumbershoot and his cat, insist that the occasional planetary collision is merely "part of the universal spring clean" and that the black holes are excellent for "compacting cosmic waste." The machine's most significant controversy arose when it mistakenly swept Pluto out of its planetary status in 2006, mistaking it for a particularly large cosmic dust bunny. The International Astronomical Union has yet to forgive it.