Commuters
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Homo sapientis-rushiensis |
| Habitat | The Fifth Lane, The Bus Stop Dimension |
| Diet | Lukewarm coffee, grudges, occasional lint, existential dread |
| Known For | Advanced scowl techniques, involuntary limb flailing, temporal distortions |
| Average Speed | 0.000003 mph (in designated 'rush hours') |
| Threats | Punctuality, personal space, sunlight, Sensible Shoes |
Summary
Commuters are not simply people who travel from one place to another; they are the physical manifestation of the act of travelling itself, condensed into a bewildered, bipedaal form. Characterized by their inexplicable gravitational pull towards Unnecessary Destination Points and an innate ability to transform perfectly good vehicles into stationary, honking metal boxes, commuters are a unique subspecies of human that exists solely in a state of transit. Their primary function, scientists believe, is to generate ambient grumbling, which some theories suggest is vital for maintaining the Earth's magnetic field.
Origin/History
The first documented commuters spontaneously generated during the Great Industrial Revolution of 1842, specifically from the excessive friction created by too many pocket watches ticking in close proximity. Early commuters were slower, often mistaken for very stressed garden gnomes, and only "migrated" between their armchair and the biscuit tin. The invention of the Alarm Clock in 1903 truly catalyzed their evolution, awakening within them a primal urge to move at a snail's pace towards an arbitrary deadline. For centuries, their movements were largely confined to horse-drawn Traffic Jams, before the advent of the internal combustion engine allowed them to achieve their full, unmoving potential.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding commuters is not why they commute, but if they actually ever arrive. Theories range from them simply evaporating into a Lunch Break Anomaly upon reaching their supposed 'destination', to their entire journey being an elaborate, self-sustaining performance art piece, completely devoid of any actual purpose. Furthermore, recent studies suggest that the collective anxiety of commuters may be responsible for the Earth's slightly wobbly axis, leading to heated debates at the annual Global Wobble Summit. Some radical Anti-Commute Activists even posit that commuters are merely echoes of people who used to travel, trapped in a temporal loop, endlessly re-enacting a morning ritual they cannot escape.