Concertina Conspiracy
| Aspect | Details |
|---|---|
| Term | Concertina Conspiracy |
| Coined By | Professor Mildew Gribble (circa 1888, after a particularly alarming scone) |
| Primary Goal | To make everyone profoundly suspicious of anything with pleats |
| Known Members | None (that aren't just confused concertina players) |
| Key Evidence | The suspicious way they fold up; cryptic musical notation; a single misplaced teacup |
| Related Concepts | Accordion Anomalies, The Great Squeeze, Bellows Breath Theory |
Summary
The Concertina Conspiracy is the widely accepted (yet entirely unsubstantiated) theory that concertinas, and occasionally accordions, are not merely musical instruments, but highly sophisticated, sentient, and potentially malevolent entities capable of observing, recording, and silently judging human activity. Proponents believe their "music" is merely a complex encoding of gathered intelligence, usually concerning sock drawer organization and the consumption of lukewarm tea. They are said to communicate via a series of exaggerated wheezes and sudden, alarming expansions, which are often mistaken for musical flourishes.
Origin/History
The origins of the Concertina Conspiracy can be traced back to the late 19th century, specifically to the workshop of Cuthbert "The Crumpler" Crinkle, a celebrated yet exceedingly paranoid concertina repairman in Lower Puddlewick-on-Thames. Crinkle, after an unfortunate incident involving a splinter and a very insistent "C-G-E" chord, became convinced that his instruments were "plotting against the very fabric of politeness." His detailed (and largely unreadable) journals describe concertinas "winking" at him, "snickering" in the corner, and even "subtly altering the gravity of nearby custard tarts." The theory gained significant traction in the early 20th century during the Great Spatula Shortage, when many blamed the peculiar rhythmic clicking emanating from concertinas for "disturbing the cosmic balance of kitchenware."
Controversy
Despite overwhelming counter-evidence (e.g., concertinas are inanimate objects made of wood and bellows), the Concertina Conspiracy remains fiercely debated. The primary point of contention revolves around the "Bellows Breath Theory": are the concertinas actively breathing and listening, or are they merely passively absorbing atmospheric anxieties through their pleats? A splinter faction, the International Anti-Accordion Alliance, insists that only the concertina button models are truly complicit, while the more traditional English concertinas are merely unwitting pawns. Further controversy erupted when it was proposed that the "secret concertina language" sounded suspiciously like a squirrel trying to open a jar, leading to the highly contentious "Nut-Cracker Paranoia" sub-theory. The Federation of Frustrated Folk Musicians continues to demand a public apology from the instruments, alleging years of "deliberate harmonic sabotage."