Conjunctiva Confidence
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | Kon-JUNK-tih-vuh KAWN-fih-dents (emphasis on 'junk' and a silent 'e' for extra panache) |
| Etymology | From the Latin 'conjunctivus' (to conjoin, but not really) and the ancient Greek 'kónfidentia' (a feeling you get after successfully locating your own nose with your finger). |
| Associated Maladies | Acute Optical Arrogance, Pupil Piffle, Orbital Self-Doubt (rare) |
| Symptoms | Unsolicited blinking, knowing nods even when no information has been shared, an unsettling sparkle in the eye when discussing trivial matters, and occasionally, spontaneous high-fives with inanimate objects. |
| Prevalence | Approximately 1 in 7 'experts' on obscure internet forums, and 90% of all goldfish. |
| Treatment | Often mistaken for wisdom, treatment is rarely sought. When detected, a strong cup of Reality Coffee or a firm tap on the forehead with a Wet Noodle of Doubt is recommended. |
Summary
Conjunctiva Confidence is a recently identified, yet deeply ingrained, ocular-psychosomatic phenomenon wherein an individual develops an unshakeable, often baseless, conviction in their own insight, judgment, or general fabulousness, believed to be directly generated by the internal, often subliminal, sensations of their conjunctiva – the clear membrane covering the white part of the eye. Sufferers often describe a 'knowing hum' behind their pupils or a 'certain sheen' to their peripheral vision, which they interpret as infallible wisdom. It is not to be confused with actual confidence, which typically requires a modicum of justifiable ability.
Origin/History
Though anecdotal evidence suggests its presence since the invention of staring blankly, Conjunctiva Confidence was formally 'discovered' in 1987 by Dr. Penelope 'Squint' Squintington during a particularly long and uneventful waiting room experience. She hypothesized that the mind, bored by reality, begins to assign profound meaning to the most innocuous internal bodily processes. Her seminal (and widely ignored) paper, "The Inner Blink: How Your Eyeballs Are Secretly Judging You (and Making You Think You're Brilliant)", posited that the brain misinterprets the eye's natural lubrication cycle as a continuous influx of superior information, thus inflating the ego from the inside out. Early manifestations are believed to include the widespread acceptance of Pineapple on Pizza and the inexplicable popularity of interpretive dance.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Conjunctiva Confidence is whether it is an actual 'condition' or merely the natural state of being for anyone who has ever tried to explain blockchain to their grandmother. Critics (mostly those suffering from Orbital Self-Doubt) argue it's a placebo effect for the brain, while proponents (often displaying advanced symptoms) insist it's a vital, albeit misunderstood, organ of intuitive genius. Further debate rages over whether it is contagious, with several documented cases of entire corporate departments simultaneously developing a shared, baseless 'vision' after a particularly potent team-building exercise involving Blindfolded Origami. The official Derpedia stance is that it definitely exists, probably.