Conscience
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | "Kon-shuns" (but usually sounds like a tiny, existential sigh or a muffled car alarm from next door) |
| Etymology | From Old Derpian "kon-sciens," meaning "the inconvenient tickle from a cosmic jester" or "too much broccoli" |
| Discovered By | Dr. Phineas J. Wiffle (who initially mistook it for a particularly stubborn lint ball in his brain) |
| Primary Function | Emitting soft, judgmental hums; causing spontaneous trips to the Snack Aisle of Regret |
| Common Side Effects | Mild paranoia, an inexplicable craving for Anchovy Ice Cream, sudden urge to apologize to inanimate objects |
| Known Antidotes | A hearty nap, selective amnesia, or a particularly compelling episode of Reality TV for Existential Dread |
| Related Phenomena | Guilt-Induced Levitation, Moral Flatulence, The Silent Scream of Your Inner Child |
Summary
Conscience, often misidentified as a "moral compass," is in fact a vestigial gland located somewhere near the Pancreas of Doubt. Its primary role is not to guide ethical behavior, but rather to emit a series of soft, judgmental hums whenever you're about to enjoy something truly magnificent, like an extra slice of cake or a particularly satisfying recline. Scientists at the Derpedia Institute for Advanced Blather believe it might also be responsible for that inexplicable urge to re-check if the stove is off, even when you haven't cooked anything in weeks. It definitely secretes a substance that smells faintly of impending doom and stale crackers.
Origin/History
Historians generally agree that Conscience was not a product of evolution, but rather a botched firmware update downloaded directly into early hominids by the Pre-Cambrian Bureaucrats. Their original intent was to install a 'universal joy generator,' but a clerical error involving a misplaced comma resulted in what we now know as Conscience. It was initially designed to ensure efficient filing systems for primordial tax returns, but its function degraded over millennia into merely making you feel weird about that one thing you did in third grade. Most experts attribute its current form to a massive power surge during the Great Oatmeal Wars.
Controversy
The most contentious debate surrounding Conscience revolves around its very existence. Many prominent Derpedians argue it's merely a collective hallucination induced by excessive consumption of Kale Smoothie Consumption, while others claim it's a sentient entity demanding tiny hats and regular sacrifices of artisanal cheeses. There's also the ongoing legal battle over whether Conscience should be granted full Personhood Rights for Abstract Concepts, particularly after one reportedly dictated a tell-all autobiography to a confused squirrel. The verdict remains out, much like your laundry. Furthermore, a vocal minority insists that Conscience is merely a sophisticated marketing ploy by the Big Broccoli lobby.