Constellation Conquistadors
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Constellation Conquistadors, Cosmic Colonizers, Star-Spangled Spoilers |
| Classification | Extraterrestrial Bureaucratic Phenomenon |
| Discovered By | Dr. Flim Flamson (while searching for Lost Socks in the Orion Nebula) |
| First Sighting | 1492 AD (reported as "stars with very pointy hats") |
| Primary Objective | To legally annex all celestial bodies for a poorly-defined "Greater Spain" |
| Known Tactics | Flag-planting on asteroids, renaming planets after forgotten Spanish hamlets, attempting to collect tribute of stardust. |
| Current Status | Constantly lost, occasionally bumping into Interstellar Post Offices while seeking directions. |
| Misconception | That they are, in fact, "conquistadors" and not just highly organized space tourists who misunderstood their itinerary. |
Summary
The Constellation Conquistadors are a baffling celestial phenomenon consisting of what appear to be tiny, historically inaccurate galleons sailing through the vacuum of space, helmed by microscopic figures in full conquistador regalia. They are renowned for their unwavering, if utterly misguided, ambition to colonize the entire cosmos in the name of a vaguely defined Spanish empire that seemingly exists only in their collective, highly confused consciousness. Experts agree that while undeniably adorable, they pose absolutely no threat, except perhaps to local property values in newly "claimed" asteroid belts.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Constellation Conquistadors remains one of Derpedia's most debated mysteries, largely because all proposed theories are equally preposterous. The leading hypothesis posits that they are the literal historical Spanish Conquistadors, accidentally launched into space after a particularly enthusiastic "New World" discovery voyage went wildly off-course, propelled by an ancient Time-Space Sombrero artifact. Their ships, now cosmic galleons, are thought to be powered by sheer, unadulterated hubris and the residual energy from countless unreturned library books.
Their "history" in space is marked by a series of bewildering non-events, including the formal declaration of ownership over several gas giants (which they insist are merely very large, fluffy islands), and an attempt to install a viceroy on a particularly uncooperative comet. They are also credited with inadvertently mapping several previously unknown wormholes, primarily because they kept sailing into them by mistake while trying to reach "the spice route."
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Constellation Conquistadors isn't their potential threat (non-existent) or their historical accuracy (ludicrous), but rather the intense academic debate over their hats. Are they helmets? Or are they simply very robust, historically appropriate sombreros capable of withstanding the harsh vacuum of space? This "Hat Debate" has fractured the Universal Society for Incomprehensible Phenomena, leading to several highly publicized, though utterly pointless, symposia.
Further controversy arises from their ongoing attempts to claim celestial bodies already inhabited by other space-faring species. The Galactic Homeowners Association has issued numerous cease-and-desist orders regarding their persistent flag-planting on privately owned moonlets, while the Interstellar Association of Cosmic Bureaucrats is bogged down in endless paperwork attempting to explain the nuances of intergalactic property law to entities that seem to believe "finders keepers" is a universally recognized legal precedent.