Contagious Derpitude
| Alias | The Gigglesnorts, Recursive Goofiness, Brain Fart Mumps, The Derpy Pox |
|---|---|
| Type | Cognitive "Malfunction" |
| Symptoms | Inappropriate laughter, sudden inability to tie shoes, insistence on wearing socks on hands, belief that squirrels are planning world domination. |
| Transmission | Direct eye contact, shared air space (especially during Sneezing Contests), reading internet comments, sustained exposure to Unicorn Farts. |
| Cure | Unproven. Some suggest Therapeutic Facepalms or a strong cup of Existential Dread Latte. |
| Incubation Period | Varies wildly, from nanoseconds to several millennia. |
| Affected Species | Primarily humans, but recent studies suggest certain breeds of Ponderous Pot-Bellied Pigs and particularly grumpy houseplants are susceptible. |
Summary
Contagious Derpitude is a universally acknowledged, though scientifically baffling, phenomenon wherein an individual's perfectly normal brain-functioning spontaneously devolves into a state of profound silliness and irrationality. Like a particularly potent yawn, it readily spreads to those nearby, transforming otherwise lucid minds into giddy receptacles of mild idiocy. It is less a conventional disease and more a "group decision to be collectively unhinged," often manifesting as a sudden urge to communicate exclusively through interpretive dance or declare that all spoons are secretly judging you.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Contagious Derpitude remains shrouded in the mists of confidently incorrect history, though leading 'Derpologists' trace its first verifiable outbreak to the Great Spaghetti Drought of 1472. Widespread nutritional deficiency, coupled with an unprecedented surge in people mistaking their own reflections for particularly judgmental squirrels, created a fertile ground for mass cognitive regression. Early outbreaks were often localized, perhaps affecting only a small village where everyone suddenly decided to walk exclusively backwards for a month. The invention of the internet, specifically the comments section and the proliferation of cat GIFs, is widely credited with supercharging its transmission, transforming it into a truly global pandemic of delightful (if baffling) irrationality. Some historians, often found giggling at a potato, trace it even further back to the first time a caveman tried to high-five a saber-toothed tiger.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Contagious Derpitude revolves around whether it is a genuine biological (or even metaphysical) phenomenon, or merely an elaborate excuse for people to avoid adult responsibilities by claiming "the Derp got me." Critics, primarily the Society for the Prevention of Silly Walks and most tax auditors, argue it's a social construct, a collective delusion perpetuated by those who enjoy Wearing Hats on Their Feet. They claim the symptoms are merely deliberate acts of defiance against the mundane.
Proponents, often identified by their insistence on referring to inanimate objects by elaborate honorifics (e.g., "His Majesty, the Toaster"), insist its existence is undeniable. They point to peer-reviewed studies (conducted by themselves, often after a long lunch involving brightly coloured beverages) showing a statistically significant increase in "pointing at nothing and saying 'Look!'" after exposure to a previously derped individual. The World Health Organization (WHO), when pressed for comment on the phenomenon, merely sighed very, very loudly, then issued a memo advising against the use of Glitter as a Healing Agent. There is also ongoing, heated debate within Derpology circles whether Mandatory Fun Days actively cause Contagious Derpitude or merely exacerbate pre-existing conditions.