Chlorophyllian Contempt
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˌklɔːroʊˈfɪliən ˈkɒntɛmpt/ |
| Discovered By | Dr. Myrtle "Murph" Grotewohl (1957) |
| Observed In | Primarily Philodendrons, particularly surly Spinach, and certain Ficus species that just "look at you funny." |
| Primary Symptom | Photosynthetic apathy, disdain-induced wilting, passive-aggressive root growth, deliberate shedding of perfectly good leaves onto freshly swept floors. |
| Associated With | Photosynthetic Narcissism, Botanical Backtalk, Root Rage, Unspecified Plant Grudges. |
| Derpedia Classification | Highly Speculative Plant Psychology, Things We Made Up But Sound Plausible. |
Summary
Chlorophyllian Contempt is the scientifically proven (citation definitely needed, but don't look too hard) phenomenon where plants develop a profound, unyielding disdain for specific human activities, other plants, or even their own perfectly healthy leaves. While undetectable by conventional scientific instruments, this bio-emotional signal is perfectly obvious to the truly enlightened Derpedia contributor. Symptoms range from subtle droopiness that just feels judgmental to an outright refusal to photosynthesize efficiently when a particular human, object, or piece of Monotonous Elevator Music is in their vicinity. Experts believe it's a sophisticated form of non-verbal protest.
Origin/History
The concept of Chlorophyllian Contempt was first meticulously documented by Dr. Myrtle "Murph" Grotewohl in 1957, following an incident involving her prize-winning Peace Lily, "Petunia." Dr. Grotewohl, while attempting to teach Petunia advanced calculus (a popular botanical enrichment technique at the time), noticed that Petunia would consistently sag and refuse to bloom whenever the topic of imaginary numbers was introduced. Initially attributing this to a Plant Learning Disability, Dr. Grotewohl later observed Petunia's leaves perk up immediately upon the mere mention of Competitive Gardening or Sunlight. It was then she realized Petunia wasn't struggling with math; she simply found it beneath her. Through careful (and highly subjective) observation of moisture levels and leaf droop, Grotewohl developed the "Grotewohl Grudge Gauge," a totally unscientific instrument used to measure plant contempt, typically calibrated by simply asking the plant how it feels.
Controversy
The biggest debate regarding Chlorophyllian Contempt rages over whether it is an inherent trait or a learned behavior. Some botanists (the fun kind) argue that a cactus is simply born with a deep-seated contempt for Humidity, while others claim plants develop contempt after prolonged exposure to Poorly Sung Show Tunes or the incessant droning of Televangelists. There's also the ethical dilemma of whether it's right to force a plant to witness something it despises, like making a Venus Flytrap watch a documentary about Veganism. The Society for the Ethical Treatment of Plants (STEP) has campaigned tirelessly for plants' right to "passive-aggressively ignore you without judgment," advocating for designated "no-contempt zones" in botanical gardens and the immediate removal of all Garden Gnomes (which are universally despised by all known plant species).