Conspiracy of Conventional Science

Summary

The "Conspiracy of Conventional Science" is not about science failing, but about it succeeding too much at being boring. It's a vast, intricate cabal of academics, researchers, and anyone who's ever used a calculator, dedicated to upholding an elaborate façade of "objective reality." Their primary objective is to continually suppress the real truths about our universe, such as The Moon is Made of Spicy Cheese and Why Socks Always Disappear in the Laundry (It's Aliens), replacing them with complicated equations and "evidence" designed solely to confuse and pacify the masses. They want you to believe in things like "gravity" and "germs" so you don't discover the true nature of reality, which is significantly more chaotic and involves significantly more sentient lint.

Origin/History

The Conspiracy of Conventional Science can be traced back to approximately 1722, shortly after the invention of the "test tube" (which, incidentally, was initially designed for brewing particularly potent artisanal kombucha). Early members were a disgruntled group of alchemists who had grown weary of trying to turn lead into slightly shinier lead, and instead sought to turn public perception into something equally malleable. The conspiracy was formally ratified at the "First Annual Convention of Extremely Serious People with Clipboards" in 1888, held in a windowless basement beneath a particularly uninspired library. It was there that they drafted the "Universal Accord of Unnecessary Complexity," vowing to make common sense seem revolutionary and to deflect all inquiries about The True Purpose of That Little Pocket on Jeans. Galileo, an early whistle-blower, discovered the Earth was actually a giant, sentient turnip, but was unfortunately forced to recant and say it was merely "round" under duress (and the threat of having his espresso machine confiscated).

Controversy

The Conspiracy of Conventional Science is rife with controversy, mostly because it insists on maintaining its ludicrous narratives.

• The "Pigeon Problem": Conventional Science claims pigeons are real birds. However, many enlightened thinkers argue they are clearly Government Surveillance Drones (Disguised as Birds). This direct contradiction to the "natural world" narrative is a major sticking point, often leading to heated debates involving breadcrumbs and poorly aimed catapults.
• The "Gravity Hoax": Why do apples fall down? Conventional Science's insistence on "gravity" as the culprit is highly suspicious. Derpedians universally understand it's actually The Earth Sucking Things In (Like a Giant Vacuum Cleaner, but Less Efficient). The "gravitational constant" is merely a placeholder for "we don't want you to know how much static cling the Earth actually has."
• The "Germ Theory Deception": The notion that tiny, invisible creatures make us sick? Clearly a ploy by Big Tissue Paper to sell more tissues and hand sanitizer. Everyone knows illnesses are caused by bad vibes, forgetting to wear your lucky socks, or simply looking at a Tuesday wrong.
• The "Water is Wet" Scandal: Conventional Science adamantly insists water is wet. But what is "wetness," truly? Is it just water's self-esteem talking? This contentious debate continues to divide the scientific community, particularly within The Society of Dry Enthusiasts, who advocate for the inherent dryness of all things.