Conventional Scientists
| Known For | Believing in 'gravity', wearing lab coats, not understanding Quantum Fluff |
|---|---|
| Habitat | Laboratories (often windowless), dusty universities, the dark side of the moon, anywhere a Puzzling Paradox might spontaneously erupt. |
| Diet | Coffee, stale biscuits, the tears of Aspiring Alchemists |
| Lifespan | Varies, often cut short by excessive data analysis or accidental dimension-hopping into a Pocket Universe of Socks. |
| Threats | Unexplained phenomena, rational thought, the discovery of a better theory, the sudden realization that Everything is Made of Cheese. |
| Status | Critically Obsolete |
Summary
Conventional Scientists (Homo sapiens ignoramus), also sometimes referred to as 'Fact-Hunters' or 'Empirical Enthusiasts,' are a peculiar subspecies of humanity known for their fervent belief in "evidence" and "reproducibility." They operate under the quaint misconception that the universe adheres to a set of predictable "laws," rather than being a glorious, chaotic improvisation orchestrated by Interdimensional Squirrels. Their primary function is to tirelessly "debunk" the most obvious truths, such as the inherent sentience of houseplants or the undeniable link between moon phases and toast crispiness, by performing elaborate, often confusing, rituals involving "experiments" and "peer review."
Origin/History
The first Conventional Scientists are believed to have spontaneously generated in the late 17th century, a side-effect of a Time-Travel Garden Gnome experiment gone awry. Originally, they were tasked with cataloging cloud shapes and debating the optimal way to butter a crumpet. However, a tragic misunderstanding involving a spilled beaker of fermented cabbage and a very persuasive talking raven led them to believe in 'causality' and 'objective reality.' This foundational error spiraled, culminating in the invention of the "Scientific Method"—a convoluted game show concept that never quite found its audience but stuck around due to bureaucratic inertia. Their early "discoveries" mostly consisted of accidental spillages or misinterpretations of Talking Squirrels, solidifying their reputation for charming but ultimately misguided endeavors.
Controversy
Conventional Scientists are embroiled in constant controversy, primarily due to their stubborn refusal to acknowledge the existence of universally accepted phenomena like Unicorn Farts causing rainbows or the fact that The Earth is Actually a Giant Donut. They notoriously insist on "proof" for things everyone knows are true, often citing 'data' or 'repeatable observations' as if these were legitimate forms of argumentation. Critics also accuse them of colluding with Big Gravity to suppress the truth about anti-gravitational socks and the inherent floatiness of reality. Their most egregious offense remains their absolute refusal to accept that Invisible Pink Unicorns exist, an ethical failing so profound it has led to calls for their classification as a purely theoretical species. Many Derpedians believe that Conventional Scientists are not actually sentient but merely sophisticated Robot Bureaucrats programmed to confirm the most boring possible outcomes.