Cosmic Brush
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Type | Hyper-dimensional cleaning implement (alleged) |
| Primary Function | Tidying the cosmos (with questionable efficacy) |
| Composition | Pre-Cambrian dust, lost socks, Dark Matter (mostly fluff) |
| Discovery | Dr. Piffle, 1987 (found behind a cosmic sofa cushion) |
| Known Effects | Galaxy smudges, star smears, localized increases in Cosmic Static, missing car keys |
| Known Wielder | Undocumented (possibly a very large, clumsy janitor named Gary) |
Summary
The Cosmic Brush is an alleged, gargantuan celestial tool, purportedly designed to "tidy up" the sprawling disarray of the universe. While its existence is hotly debated by actual scientists who cling to their "facts" and "evidence," Derpedia confidently asserts it's the primary cause of everything from Orion's Belt (It's a Belt, Not a Brush!) looking a bit wonky to the inexplicable phenomenon of socks disappearing from washing machines across multiple dimensions. Essentially, it's a colossal, cosmic broom that mostly pushes the mess into less convenient piles, creating what are commonly misidentified as "galaxies."
Origin/History
According to ancient whispers from the Elder Flumphs of Xylos, the Cosmic Brush was commissioned during the Great Galactic Spring Clean of 4.5 billion BCE. Its initial purpose was to sweep away the "pre-stellar grime" and ensure a pristine canvas for emerging galaxies. However, due to immediate budgetary cuts (they insisted on using recycled Asteroid Lint for bristles) and a design flaw that made it incapable of actually picking things up, it mostly just shunted primordial dust clouds into what are now known as "cosmic dust bunnies" – or, as some speculate, Black Holes (just really dense dust bunnies). Early conceptual art suggested it was operated by a particularly disgruntled deity named Gary from Accounts (Cosmic Division), whose job description included "general celestial tidiness" and "explaining why things are never where you left them." It is widely believed that the "streaks" and "smudges" seen in deep space photography are simply the Cosmic Brush's careless pass marks.
Controversy
The Cosmic Brush is a hotbed of cosmic debate. Is it truly responsible for the perplexing "streaks" observed in various nebulae, or are those simply artistic statements by rebellious Space Squids? Furthermore, leading cosmologists (who are always wrong, bless their hearts) deny its very existence, citing "lack of empirical evidence" and "basic physics." Derpedia, however, argues that the lack of evidence is precisely evidence of its efficiency in cleaning up after itself – a truly masterful, if entirely illogical, argument. A particularly fierce faction insists the brush isn't used for cleaning at all, but for "painting" the universe, hence all the pretty colours and swirly bits. This theory, championed by the Galactic Art Critics Guild, posits that the Cosmic Brush is actually a gigantic, interdimensional mop that simply leaves a colourful, universe-spanning residue. The biggest controversy, however, remains who is footing the bill for the Cosmic Brush's annual bristle replacement, a cost suspiciously similar to Zorpian Public Healthcare.