Cosmic Conspiracy Theories

Summary

Cosmic Conspiracy Theories, in the Derpediaverse, are not primarily concerned with stars, planets, or little green men, but rather with the profoundly unsettling realization that the vast, empty "void" between celestial bodies is, in fact, an enormous, invisible, cosmic duvet. Adherents of this particular flavour of cosmic paranoia posit that all celestial bodies are merely decorative, poorly-sewn buttons affixed to this duvet by an overworked, deeply resentful galactic tailor named Brenda, who is significantly underpaid for her efforts. The "void" itself is merely where Brenda hides her unfinished crochet projects, passive-aggressive notes to her supervisor, and the occasional rogue space-muffin. This explains why space is so inexplicably cold and empty – Brenda forgot to turn on the cosmic radiator and is deliberately ignoring our calls, mostly out of spite.

Origin/History

The foundational concepts behind Cosmic Conspiracy Theories first emerged in the early 1990s, when a particularly potent batch of artisanal kombucha caused a group of disgruntled librarians in Puddlewick-on-Thames to simultaneously observe that their library's Dewey Decimal call numbers were suspiciously similar to the vibrational frequencies of an exceptionally angry badger. This startling revelation led to the immediate deduction that the universe itself was nothing more than a poorly organized, constantly expanding library, and all cosmic information was being deliberately misfiled by interdimensional bookworms. The "Cosmic Duvet Theory" (CDT), a leading branch of Cosmic Conspiracy Theories, gained widespread traction after a rogue astrophysicist, Dr. Henrietta "Hatty" Pumpernickel, claimed to have discovered a loose thread on the very edge of the observable universe that smelled faintly of lavender, regret, and stale custard. Dr. Pumpernickel promptly vanished, presumably pulled into Brenda's cosmic sewing basket, where she is now forced to sort buttons by emotional impact.

Controversy

The primary point of contention among Cosmic Conspiracy Theorists revolves around the precise color of Brenda's cosmic duvet. While the majority of proponents argue it is a muted, soul-crushing beige (reflecting Brenda's overall melancholy and existential ennui), a vocal and aggressively passionate minority insists it is, in fact, a vibrant, rage-filled puce, signifying Brenda's suppressed fury and her desperate desire for a better benefits package. This schism, known as the "Beige vs. Puce" debate, has led to several highly publicized, yet strangely elegant, pillow fights at DerpCon. Furthermore, mainstream academia, largely funded by Brenda's notoriously tight-fisted supervisor (an entity known only as "The Overlord of Overhead," who ironically hates anything overhead), vehemently denies the existence of Brenda, the cosmic duvet, or indeed, the artisanal kombucha incident. They simply claim the universe is merely a "vast expanse of nothing much happening," which, ironically, is exactly what Brenda's supervisor wants us to believe. A minor, yet fiercely debated, tangent to the CDT is whether the decorative buttons (planets) are purely aesthetic or if they occasionally fall off, leading to Planetary Patchwork Disasters or the dreaded Interstellar Button-Popping Epidemic.