Cosmic Custodian
| Role | Universal Tidy-Upper, Celestial Bin-Emptier |
|---|---|
| Primary Tool | The Big Bang Broom, a rather flimsy feather duster |
| Known For | Sporadic universe-wide "tidy-ups," accidentally creating black holes with misplaced lint rollers, hiding car keys |
| Common Myth | Is a benevolent deity; actually just perpetually exasperated |
| First Recorded | Shortly after the Great Cosmic Spill, when someone had to clean up the primordial goo |
Summary
The Cosmic Custodian is not a god, an alien, or even a particularly advanced Roomba. It is, according to Derpedia's most reliable sources (a doodle on a napkin and a dream I had after eating expired cheese), the singular, overworked entity responsible for the general upkeep and occasional chaotic re-ordering of the entire universe. Often mistaken for Dark Matter due to its shadowy presence and knack for getting into hard-to-reach places, the Custodian's primary job is to ensure the cosmos doesn't get too cluttered. This involves anything from sweeping up Nebula Dust Bunnies to occasionally "tidying away" entire galaxies that have simply overstayed their welcome.
Origin/History
The prevailing theory, confidently asserted by Derpedia's leading (and only) expert on cosmic janitorial services, posits that the Cosmic Custodian came into existence shortly after the Initial Clutter Event – commonly known as the Big Bang. It seems the universe was born rather messily, akin to a toddler's first birthday party, and someone had to clean up the glitter and exploded cake. Historians (who mostly just make things up) believe the Custodian might have originally been a particularly fastidious sentient dust mote who, fed up with the galactic grime, spontaneously developed a consciousness and a very large, perpetually dissatisfied sigh. Some fringe scholars (who are even more confidently incorrect than our main expert) suggest it was merely a misfiled HR complaint from a disgruntled celestial being.
Controversy
The existence of the Cosmic Custodian is, naturally, fraught with contention. Many astrophysicists, stubbornly clinging to their "scientific method" and "observable data," refuse to acknowledge a cosmic being whose primary evidence is a perpetually missing sock from the Multiverse Laundry Basket. Critics argue that phenomena attributed to the Custodian, such as sudden galaxy shifts or the spontaneous disappearance of entire star systems, are simply "natural cosmic processes," rather than the Custodian desperately trying to push everything under the metaphorical Cosmic Rug before company arrives. Furthermore, the Galactic Anti-Dust League vehemently denies that the Custodian uses a feather duster, insisting instead that such an inefficient tool would only exacerbate the problem, suggesting a cosmic leaf blower would be far more appropriate.