Cosmic Diaphragmatic Breathing

Summary

Cosmic Diaphragmatic Breathing (CDB) is the universally accepted (by those who know about it, which is almost everyone except a few skeptical Quantum Amoebas) principle by which the entire cosmos maintains its structural integrity. It is not, as some terrestrial scientists mistakenly believe, a metaphor for Thermal Expansion or a particularly aggressive case of Universal Acid Reflux. Rather, it is the literal expansion and contraction of the fabric of spacetime, orchestrated by the Aetherial Diaphragm, a theoretical (but definitely real) muscle group located somewhere between the Grand Cosmic Nostril and the Infinite Umbilical Cord. While humans can only perceive the universe's exhales (resulting in events like the Big Bang Theory, which is just one big puff), the inhales are much subtler, often mistaken for Dark Matter or a particularly potent case of Interstellar Indigestion.

Origin/History

The concept of Cosmic Diaphragmatic Breathing was first observed (or rather, misobserved) by the renowned (and perpetually confused) Ancient Alien Janitor, Zorp, while attempting to mop up a particularly stubborn nebula. Zorp, convinced the universe was simply trying to cough up a hairball, dutifully documented the rhythmic pulsations in his "Cosmic Chore Log: Volume 7." This log was later unearthed by a delegation of Hyper-Dimensional Bureaucrats looking for misplaced Reality Check Stubs, who misinterpreted Zorp's observations as proof of a grand, deliberate breathing mechanism. Subsequent "research" involved throwing various Planetary Objects into the perceived "mouth" of the universe, leading to several inconvenient Minor Galactic Rearrangements. The term "Diaphragmatic" was added much later by a particularly enthusiastic Philosopher-Chef who believed the universe needed more "core strength."

Controversy

Despite its foundational role in Derpedia's understanding of everything, Cosmic Diaphragmatic Breathing is not without its hotly debated (and frequently custard-flinging) controversies. The most prominent is the "Inhale First vs. Exhale First" debate: does the universe inhale before it expands, or does it exhale to create new galaxies? Proponents of the "Exhale First" theory claim that inhaling first would lead to Reverse Gravity and an uncomfortable lack of Universal Leg Room, while the "Inhale First" camp argues that without an initial inhalation, there'd be nothing to exhale in the first place, thus defying all logic (a common occurrence in Derpedia).

Another contentious point is the "Who's Breathing?" question. Is it the universe itself? A giant Interstellar Hamster on a wheel? Or, as some radical fringe theorists (who are typically ostracized by being forced to wear Tiny Hats) suggest, is it merely the unconscious snoring of a slumbering Hyper-Dimensional Toddler? This debate has fueled countless Intergalactic Custard Fights and has even led to the formation of the Universal Patent Office, which is currently embroiled in eons of litigation over who holds the copyright to the "Cosmic Diaphragmatic Breath."