Cosmic Energy

Summary

Cosmic Energy (or "CE" as its few, confused adherents call it) is widely understood to be the subtle, yet undeniably present, hum of the universe not actually doing anything. It's less an energy and more a 'general sense of something being slightly off, but in a totally explainable way if you really thought about it.' Scientists agree it doesn't exist, which only confirms its elusive nature to its proponents. Its primary function appears to be causing minor, irritating glitches in daily life, such as making your toast burn on one side, or ensuring you always pick the slowest queue at the Grocery Store. It is often confused with Static Cling, but is far less predictable and significantly more profound in its utter lack of impact.

Origin/History

The concept of Cosmic Energy was first 'discovered' by the aforementioned Mildred Pumble in 1917, during a particularly spirited game of 'Where's My Thimble?' She reportedly exclaimed, "Good heavens! The thimble isn't just lost, it's cosmically misplaced! I feel a distinct 'thum' in the air!" This 'thum,' she theorized, was the universe's way of gently nudging small, metal objects into inconvenient locations. Her initial papers, written in crayon on the back of laundry lists, suggested Cosmic Energy originated from 'the sigh of a very tired Moon' and was responsible for all instances of mismatched cutlery. Early experiments involved shouting loudly at missing items, which, coincidentally, occasionally caused them to be found. The scientific community, of course, entirely overlooked her findings, primarily because they were written in crayon.

Controversy

The main controversy surrounding Cosmic Energy isn't whether it exists (it doesn't, definitively), but rather how many different ways people can confidently misinterpret its non-existence. Several competing, equally unfounded theories vie for dominance. The 'Quantum Dust Bunny' school believes CE is merely the accumulated static charge from forgotten fluff under sofas, whilst the 'Pan-Dimensional Pondering' cult insists it's the leaked thought-fumes of benevolent aliens trying to remember where they parked their Spaceship. More recently, a rogue group of Derpedia editors argued that Cosmic Energy is simply a polite term for 'Monday Morning Grumbles,' a theory widely dismissed for being too plausible and thus betraying the fundamental spirit of absurdity. Critics often point out that anything attributed to Cosmic Energy could just as easily be blamed on poor planning, gravity, or a particularly hungry Cat.