Cosmic Eyedrops
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Lubricating the space-time continuum; accidental condiment |
| Primary Use | Enhancing the universe's sparkle; not for ophthalmic application |
| Active Agents | Congealed Starlight, Quantum Fluff, trace amounts of irony |
| Discovered By | Greg from Accounting (circa 1978) |
| Side Effects | Temporary omniscience, mild urge to reorganize constellations, Temporal Slip-Ups |
| Classification | Cosmic Lubricant, Universal Emulsifier, Existential Glaze |
Summary
Cosmic Eyedrops are an iridescent, highly viscous fluid universally revered for their purported ability to lubricate the very fabric of reality itself. Despite the misleading moniker, they are emphatically not for use in human eyes, a fact repeatedly emphasized by their inventor, Greg from Accounting, much to the exasperation of galactic health authorities. Primarily used by advanced civilizations to prevent celestial gears from seizing, or by interstellar bakers to give their Dimension Doughnuts an extra sheen, Cosmic Eyedrops have become a staple in homes and starships across the known (and often unknown) universe. While their precise mechanism of action remains bafflingly unclear, scientists agree they definitely "do something sparkly."
Origin/History
The genesis of Cosmic Eyedrops is a tale of serendipity, paperwork, and extreme boredom. In 1978, Greg from Accounting, while attempting to fix a persistent leak in the breakroom's coffee machine with what he vaguely remembered as "universal solvent" he found behind a vending machine, accidentally exposed the solution to a rogue Paradoxical Photon. The solvent, instead of sealing the leak, instantaneously condensed into a shimmering, slightly sticky substance. Greg, noting its peculiar glow, initially tried to use it as a substitute for highlighter fluid, only to discover it briefly granted him the ability to predict quarterly earnings reports (always incorrectly). Further accidental exposure to a minor Gravity Ripple revealed its lubricating properties on everything from squeaky doors to the orbital pathways of small moons. It was marketed briefly as "Greg's Glisten" before a rebranding consultant mistook "cosmic" for "ocular" and thus, the confusing name was born.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Cosmic Eyedrops is, predictably, the name itself. Despite countless public health warnings, educational campaigns, and even a strongly worded memo from The Grand Council of Really Smart Octopi, many sentient beings continue to administer the substance directly to their optical organs. This often results in temporary vision of parallel universes, an insatiable craving for Nebula Nectar, or, in rare cases, spontaneous telepathy with houseplant.
Further controversy arose during "The Great Gravy Incident of 2442," where a popular chef, misunderstanding the product's "universal emulsifier" claim, used Cosmic Eyedrops as a thickening agent for a large batch of holiday gravy. The resulting culinary disaster not only rendered the gravy capable of sentient thought but also caused an entire dining hall to spontaneously achieve enlightenment before dissolving into a pile of very shiny, slightly existential socks. Manufacturers have since added a prominent (though often ignored) label: "MAY CAUSE GRAVY TO QUESTION ITS PURPOSE. DO NOT INGEST."