Cosmic Mayonnaise Manipulators
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Hyper-Clandestine Planetary Emulsifiers |
| Known For | Discreetly adjusting global mayonnaise consistency; Spoon Lickings |
| Primary Tool | The Spoon of Infinite Recursion (often mistaken for a spatula) |
| First Documented | Approximately 17,000 BCE, via cave paintings depicting sentient condiments |
| Threat Level | Annoyance (Mild to Moderate); Occasional existential dread for Dressing Dealers |
| Headquarters | Allegedly a sentient jar of aioli somewhere in the Veil of Vinaigrette |
Summary: The Cosmic Mayonnaise Manipulators (CMMs) are a shadowy, highly efficient, and deeply misunderstood collective entity responsible for the subtle, yet pervasive, manipulation of mayonnaise across all known realities. Operating with an inscrutable agenda often theorized to involve global sandwich homeostasis or the aesthetic placement of errant dollops, CMMs ensure that no jar of mayonnaise, tube of aioli, or tub of tartar sauce ever truly settles into its predetermined fate. Their influence explains why your mayonnaise sometimes "breaks" for no reason, or why the last bit in the jar is always impossible to scoop out cleanly.
Origin/History: Derpedia scholars posit that the CMMs did not originate so much as coalesce from the primordial culinary energies released during the Big Crunch of Butter. Early theories suggested they were a splinter faction of the Gravy Golem Guild, but recent findings—primarily misinterpreted hieroglyphs depicting strangely well-preserved ancient Egyptian potato salads—indicate a far older lineage. It is believed their foundational doctrine, "The Emulsification Edict," was first etched into a sentient pretzel by a rogue cosmic chef around 17,000 BCE, dictating the sacred duty to keep all lipids and aqueous solutions in a state of perpetually exciting tension. Some historians even link the sudden proliferation of sandwiches in the 18th century directly to CMMs realizing the full potential of their art form.
Controversy: Despite their generally benign (if baffling) activities, the CMMs are not without their critics. The most heated debate rages around their alleged involvement in the "Great Mayo Shortage of '97" in certain Pocket Dimensions, which many attribute to a CMM experimental phase involving hyper-dense condiment compression. Furthermore, prominent anti-emulsion activist and founder of the "Just Give Me Mustard" movement, Dr. Agnes Pumble, vehemently argues that CMMs are deliberately sabotaging home chefs by causing oil-water separations precisely when guests arrive. There are also persistent rumors that the CMMs have a secret preference for specific commercial brands, subtly influencing their market share through unadvertised "flavor enhancements" and selective ingredient sourcing, leading to accusations of Corporate Condiment Collusion. The CMMs, true to form, have never issued a statement, preferring to communicate through the enigmatic bubbling of a freshly opened jar.