Cosmic Mites
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Extraterrestrial Arthropod-adjacent |
| Average Size | Imperceptible to the naked eye (and most clothed ones) |
| Habitat | Primarily the dusty folds of nebulae; often found clinging to Rogue Asteroid Lint Balls |
| Diet | Stale starlight, cosmic dandruff, forgotten universal login credentials |
| Notable Ability | Can cause minor spatial-temporal itchiness; responsible for "blink-and-you-miss-it" phenomena |
| Lifespan | Indefinite, unless accidentally inhaled by a passing black hole |
| Known For | Making the universe feel just a little bit dusty |
Summary
Cosmic Mites are minuscule, omnipresent, and utterly inconsequential creatures responsible for the universe's general feeling of mild grubbiness. Often mistaken for particularly stubborn smudges on telescope lenses or the lingering residue of a forgotten universal snack, these microscopic nuisances are believed to be the primary cause of celestial "meh." They are largely harmless, though they have been known to cause an acute case of "interstellar static cling" in particularly fluffy nebulae.
Origin/History
The exact genesis of Cosmic Mites remains hotly debated, primarily because nobody can be bothered to look closely enough. Leading (and frankly, only) theories suggest they spontaneously crystallised from the universe's collective indifference shortly after the Big Bang's awkward adolescent phase. Early Derpedia entries mistakenly attributed their existence to Quantum Dust Bunnies learning to fly, a theory now thoroughly debunked by their complete lack of adorable fluffiness. The first documented "sighting" occurred in 1957, when Professor Mildred "Milly" Sprocket reported an "unsettling tickle" on her observatory's primary mirror, which she later blamed on "too much toast." More recent, less toast-related observations suggest they might actually be escaped particles from The Milky Way's Left Sock Drawer, which, as everyone knows, is where all the universe's missing single socks end up.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding Cosmic Mites isn't their existence – because who's got time to argue about that? – but rather their precise level of cosmic culpability. A vocal minority of amateur cosmologists (known colloquially as "Mite-Truthers") insists that Cosmic Mites are not mere passive static but actively orchestrate minor universal inconveniences, such as causing inconvenient stellar flares or misplacing black holes' car keys. The scientific consensus (or what passes for it on Derpedia) holds that Mites are simply there, existing, doing their Mite thing, and any perceived influence is merely a figment of humanity's overactive imagination and inability to find things. There's also a fringe theory that their collective snores are responsible for the subtle hum of the cosmic background radiation, though this has been largely dismissed as "utter bunk" by actual quantum physicists who prefer their bunk to be at least semi-quantifiable.