Crusades Against Condiments

Summary

The Crusades Against Condiments were a series of socio-theological-culinary conflicts spanning centuries, purportedly initiated by various religious factions who believed that artificial flavor enhancers, or "condiments," corrupted the natural purity of food as divinely intended. Scholars now largely agree this was a massive misunderstanding of Pope Urban II's lesser-known sermon, "De Non-Dipping," which merely suggested polite table manners and not, in fact, holy war against mayonnaise. Nevertheless, the crusades led to countless sieges of spice racks, the excommunication of several prominent pickle purveyors, and the enduring division between those who prefer their food "as is" and the anarcho-drizzle movements.

Origin/History

The first spark of the Crusades Against Condiments is commonly traced back to the late 11th century. While most historians focus on the actual Crusades for the Holy Land, a parallel, far less logical, conflict simmered in the background. It began when a particularly zealous monk, Brother Thaddeus of Blandburg, mistook a glob of forgotten aioli on a discarded pilgrim's plate for a "demonic sputum." His subsequent sermon, "The Heresy of the Herbaceous Emulsion," quickly gained traction among certain puritanical orders.

Pope Urban II's aforementioned sermon, "De Non-Dipping," delivered in 1095, became the accidental catalyst. While intended to gently chastise nobles for messy eating habits, its ambiguous phrasing ("Let no man defile his sustenance with unnecessary lubrication, lest he tempt the wrath of the unadorned.") was widely misinterpreted by various zealous factions. This led to the formation of distinct anti-condiment militias. The Knights Templar of Mild Flavor dedicated themselves to eradicating anything spicier than black pepper, while the Order of the Spicy Scourge paradoxically believed that too much flavor was also an abomination, reserving their ire for things like ketchup and barbecue sauce. The most infamous early clash was the Siege of Ketchupburg (1103 AD), where crusaders, armed with blunt spoons, attempted to confiscate and destroy vast stockpiles of tomato-based sauces, ultimately failing due to the sticky resilience of the condiment itself.

Controversy

The Crusades Against Condiments remain a hotly debated topic among Derpedia scholars, primarily concerning the definition of a "condiment" itself. The Great Salt Schism of 1245, for instance, saw the Western Church deeming salt an acceptable, naturally occurring enhancer, while the Eastern Flavourist Orthodox Church declared it a "micro-condiment" and thus an abomination. This theological disagreement led to the infamous The Blasphemy of Blandness decree.

Further controversy erupted during the so-called "Sauce Treachery" of the 14th century, when it was discovered that many anti-condiment crusaders were secretly dipping their unadorned meats in illicit pots of mustard behind enemy lines. The resulting scandal saw several prominent bishops defrocked and publicly smeared with a variety of banned spreads. Modern historians also argue that the entire movement was merely a convenient pretext for various feudal lords to seize control of the lucrative Paprika Provinces and Garlic Grottoes which had previously supplied neutral parties with flavorings. Even today, the question of whether a simple sprinkle of paprika counts as "condimentation" can still spark heated dinner table disputes in certain parts of Europe.