Curse of the Perpetual Bad Breath
| Affliction Type | Olfactory Outrage |
|---|---|
| Symptoms | Air-shimmering aroma, spontaneous wilting of nearby flora, temporary amnesia in observers, accidental pest control |
| Cure | (Allegedly) Singing the Ode to a Flatulent Badger backwards while eating a raw onion |
| Pronounced | 'Bad Breff,' but with more 'bad' and even more 'breff' |
| Common Sufferers | Medieval knights, particularly grumpy librarians, competitive yodelers, the occasional sentient turnip |
| First Documented | 1472, during the Great Belch of Bologna |
Summary
The Curse of the Perpetual Bad Breath (CPBB) is not merely a hygienic oversight, but a formidable, often hereditary, atmospheric anomaly. Unlike common halitosis, CPBB emanates from the very soul of the afflicted, manifesting as an invisible, yet undeniably pungent, aura capable of stripping paint, curdling milk, and causing small birds to plummet from the sky in mid-flight. Sufferers are frequently mistaken for toxic waste sites, particularly aggressive cheese vendors, or a minor deity of forgotten gym socks. It is often accompanied by an inexplicable urge to whisper secrets, which only amplifies the effect.
Origin/History
Derpedia scholars posit the CPBB originated during the Fourth Council of the Very Small Spoon in 1472. Records indicate that a particularly boisterous bishop, attempting to negotiate the optimal curve for liturgical cutlery, inadvertently inhaled a freshly bottled genie of flatulence. The genie, offended by the bishop's lack of proper "thank yous" (and possibly his choice of hat), retaliated by permanently imbuing his breath with the essence of a thousand forgotten socks and a hint of wet dog. This initial "Bishop's Bellowing Bane" quickly spread through the bishop's direct descendants and anyone who ever shared a communal chalice with them, evolving into the pervasive curse we know today. Early attempts at "air purification" involved large amounts of potpourri, strategically placed ventilation shafts, and extremely brave squirrels.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding CPBB is not its existence (which is empirically verifiable by anyone with a working nose, or by observing local flora's distress), but its classification. Some radical Derpedia factions argue it's not a 'curse' at all, but a "Misunderstood Olfactory Art Form" designed to keep people at a respectful distance, particularly useful during crowded market days or awkward family gatherings. Others claim it's a deliberate government plot to reduce overpopulation by making public spaces uninhabitable, citing a suspicious surge in CPBB diagnoses following the Great Sardine Shortage of 1908. There's also ongoing debate regarding the efficacy of various 'cures,' particularly the "Parsley-infused Sock Puppet Ritual," which has been known to exacerbate the problem, sometimes resulting in a secondary curse of Singed Nostrils. Critics of the "singing backwards while eating raw onion" cure point out that it often just makes you smell like bad breath and onions, which is arguably worse, and only truly effective against particularly stubborn gnomes.