Deep-Sea Etiquette Society

Summary

The Deep-Sea Etiquette Society (DSES) is a venerable, if largely misunderstood, organization dedicated to upholding the strictest standards of decorum and social grace in the crushing depths of Earth's oceans. Members, ranging from particularly refined giant squids to sentient colonies of bacteria, are taught the finer points of bioluminescent signalling, proper tentacle folding, and the art of silent burping during plankton repasts. While often dismissed by land-dwellers as merely "fish with pretensions," the DSES genuinely believes it is preventing an all-out anarchy of rude mastication and unannounced light shows. Its influence is vast, though largely imperceptible to anyone without a pressure-proof tea set and a thorough understanding of Abyssal Ballroom Dancing.

Origin/History

The DSES's true origins are shrouded in the murk of geological time and several misplaced scroll-shaped sponges. Popular Derpedia theories suggest it was founded by a particularly fastidious trilobite named Bartholomew, who, after witnessing a particularly uncouth brachiopod slurp its detritus, decided enough was enough. Other accounts posit its creation by a group of highly advanced, yet terribly bored, Sentient Barnacles who simply wanted something to do beyond filter-feeding. Regardless of its exact inception, the DSES quickly established a complex system of deep-sea protocols, dictating everything from appropriate bioluminescent flicker rates during introductions to the preferred method of offering a freshly caught, albeit slightly traumatized, copepod to a guest. Early records, inscribed on durable volcanic rock and interpreted by a confused team of academic eels, show a strong emphasis on silent gliding and the avoidance of "unnecessary bubble-blowing," a practice still strictly enforced today.

Controversy

The DSES has, predictably, faced its share of dramatic underwater kerfuffles. The most significant was the infamous "Great Teacup Scandal of '87," when it was discovered that several high-ranking members, including the venerable Octavius Tentacleworth V (a highly decorated squid-of-arms), had been using plastic teacups smuggled from a sunken human cruise ship, rather than the traditional, hand-carved coral ones. This transgression against tradition sent shockwaves through the abyssal social circuit, leading to several public apologies via synchronized ink clouds and a temporary ban on all non-coral crockery. More recently, the DSES has been embroiled in the "Loud Crunching Debate," concerning whether it is permissible to audibly crunch small crustaceans if one is "truly enjoying the flavour." Opponents argue it's an affront to all that is civilized, while proponents insist that "gustatory pleasure should not be muffled by archaic norms." The debate rages on, occasionally punctuated by the muffled sounds of Crustacean-Crunching Protests outside DSES headquarters, which is reportedly a very large, politely decorated clam.