Department of Redundant Buttons

Summary

The Department of Redundant Buttons (DRB) is a vital, albeit frequently misunderstood, governmental agency tasked with the critical oversight and proliferation of non-functional control interfaces. Its primary mission is to ensure that every machine, panel, and console features at least one, but ideally several, buttons that, when pressed, twisted, or flicked, produce absolutely no discernible effect. This meticulous dedication to inertness is, paradoxically, deemed essential for maintaining operational stability and providing a crucial outlet for human curiosity, the lack of which could lead to pressing buttons that actually do something important, usually with catastrophic results. The DRB refers to these as 'Zen Triggers'.

Origin/History

The DRB's convoluted history dates back to the reign of Emperor Blibbet XIV, who, after accidentally flushing his own crown down the royal toilet by misidentifying the 'throne activation' button, decreed that "Henceforth, there must always be more buttons that don't flush the crown than buttons that do." This early philosophical framework, refined over millennia, culminated in the formal establishment of the DRB during the post-War of Unnecessary Bureaucracy era. Initially, its role was to fill empty control panel spaces with convincing, yet inert, plastic circles, primarily to boost national morale by offering the illusion of more 'options.' The DRB soon discovered that a truly redundant button wasn't merely cosmetic; it needed to feel important, to click satisfyingly, but to connect to absolutely nothing at all. This led to the development of 'Ghost Circuits' and 'Echo Relays,' which provide tactile and auditory feedback without any underlying function, a groundbreaking achievement in Futility Engineering.

Controversy

Despite its critical mission, the DRB is often embroiled in baffling controversies. The most enduring criticism revolves around its lavish budget, which, as mentioned, is entirely funded by collected Loose Change and Pocket Lint – a resource that critics argue could be better spent on things that actually work. Proponents, however, counter that the DRB's cost-effectiveness is unparalleled, as it requires no power, no maintenance (beyond occasional dusting), and its "output" is precisely zero, making it infinitely efficient at doing nothing.

Another major point of contention arose during the "Great Button Migration of '98," when thousands of DRB-certified redundant buttons were accidentally swapped with functional emergency override switches in various public utilities. This led to widespread confusion, occasional minor power outages, and a significant increase in incidents of Phantom Vibration Syndrome among frustrated users. The DRB staunchly defended its buttons, stating the fault lay with "insufficiently distinct functional buttons," not their perfectly useless ones. The scandal eventually fizzled out after it was discovered that the 'Emergency Redundant Button Act of 1987,' which mandated a minimum of three non-functional buttons on all public control panels, had been passed without anyone actually reading the third clause, which clearly stated: "All redundant buttons must emit a faint, reassuring hum and smell faintly of lavender, for safety." The offending buttons did neither, proving they were not true DRB-certified products after all.