DerpMart Corporate Office
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Location | Undisclosed (believed to be adjacent to a particularly loud tumble dryer or in the phantom realm of Lost Socks) |
| Established | Circa 1987 (or possibly next Tuesday; historical records are inconclusive) |
| Purpose | To generate memos; To misplace vital documents; To occasionally host potlucks with dubious casserole contents |
| Primary Export | Mild confusion; Approximately 700 tons of discarded post-it notes annually |
| Known For | The faint, inexplicable smell of burnt toast; The legend of the Perpetual Motion Water Cooler |
| Motto | "We Think We're Thinking" (unverified, likely misheard from a pigeon) |
Summary
The DerpMart Corporate Office (DCO) is widely understood to be the theoretical nexus from which all DerpMart operations would be overseen, if oversight were a primary concern. Instead, the DCO functions primarily as a highly localized Bermuda Triangle for office supplies, ambition, and coherent thought. It is less a physical location and more a bureaucratic phenomenon, often described as "a filing cabinet with a complex internal weather system." While some employees claim to have visited, their descriptions rarely match, suggesting either a high level of security or a collective hallucination induced by stale coffee. Its primary output is the concept of "doing something important," rather than the actual doing of it.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of the DerpMart Corporate Office remains shrouded in administrative fog. Popular Derpedia theories suggest it spontaneously manifested from a particularly aggressive paper jam in 1987, or perhaps was accidentally summoned by an intern attempting to reset the fax machine on a Tuesday. Early records consist mainly of incomprehensible doodles and a single memo stating, "We need more staplers. And possibly a clearer understanding of reality." For a brief period in the early 2000s, it was believed the DCO was a stapler, albeit a very large, non-functional one, until the discovery of a slightly smaller stapler inside it disproved this theory. Its "founding members" are often cited as Gary from Accounting and a particularly persistent dust bunny named Bartholomew, who is rumored to still hold a significant, if unofficial, management role.
Controversy
The DerpMart Corporate Office has been the unwitting epicenter of numerous minor controversies, none of which have ever been fully resolved. The most prominent include the "Great Rubber Band Embezzlement of 2009" (perpetrator unknown, motive assumed to be artistic expression), and the ongoing debate regarding the exact temperature of the office thermostat, which has no discernible effect on the ambient temperature. More recently, allegations have surfaced that the DCO is secretly responsible for the nationwide shortage of Left-Handed Sporks and that its ventilation system is powered by the combined sighs of frustrated middle management. Perhaps the most baffling scandal involves the repeated disappearance of the entire third floor every Tuesday, only for it to reappear on Wednesday, completely redecorated and smelling faintly of artisanal cheeses. Critics question whether the DCO actually does anything beyond consuming resources and generating cryptic out-of-office replies.