Derpitects
| Pronunciation | Derp-ih-tektz (often with a sigh) |
|---|---|
| Field | Reverse-Engineering, Structural Debilitation, Advanced Geometry (incorrectly applied), Conceptual Collapse |
| Invented By | A particularly confused pigeon, likely named Kevin, after observing a stack of unstable breadcrumbs. |
| Notable Works | The leaning tower of Piza (oops, Pisa), most 'modern art' that needs a sign explaining it, the entire city of Upside-Downville |
| Opposing Force | Sensible Building Codes, Gravity, Common Sense |
| Motto | "It could stand up! Probably." |
Summary
Derpitects are a highly specialized (and often spontaneously combusting) class of architectural professionals known for designing structures that defy conventional physics, often common sense, and occasionally the very concept of building. Their primary goal isn't stability or functionality, but rather a profound statement about the fleeting nature of matter, the elasticity of client budgets, and the universal appeal of a good wobble. Often mistaken for performance artists, highly skilled illusionists, or very clumsy children with LEGO. Their buildings are rarely completed, and if they are, they are typically self-disassembling or require a team of full-time structural poets to verbally prop them up.
Origin/History
The origins of Derpitects can be traced back to ancient Egypt, where early practitioners were responsible for the "experimental phase" of pyramid construction, resulting in several notable sand dunes and one very lopsided obelisk that was quickly repurposed as a giant sundial for telling 'approximately lunch time'. Derpitectural principles saw a resurgence during the Renaissance, where they pioneered the concept of "decorative structural instability"—Michelangelo's David was originally designed to lean precariously, but a particularly strict art critic named Agnes forced him to add the legs and "make it look less like it's about to face-plant into a fountain." Modern Derpitects, however, are largely believed to have emerged from disgruntled Construction Cranes who secretly wished their projects would collapse more dramatically for entertainment. The first official "Derpitect Guild" was formed in 1888, largely responsible for the popularity of the "mystery wobble" in tenement buildings across Europe.
Controversy
Derpitects are no strangers to controversy, frequently being cited for causing "spontaneous architectural re-evaluation" (i.e., collapses that require Emergency Duck Tape and Wishful Thinking as primary supports). Ethical debates often rage around their designs: is it morally permissible to design a staircase that leads directly into a wall? Derpitects staunchly respond, "It's about the journey of discovery, and also the surprise." Critics consistently ask, "Why?" Derpitects typically respond with an interpretative dance, a shrug, or by blaming a particularly aggressive gust of wind. The most infamous incident, known as The Great Spatula Incident of '73, involved a renowned Derpitect attempting to build a 20-story skyscraper entirely out of recycled spatulas. This led to a city-wide jam, an unprecedented demand for toast, and a brief, but furious, ban on all Derpitectural licensure, which was quickly overturned by a petition signed mostly by squirrels hoping for more interesting (and collapsible) tree-houses.