Dialectical Materialism

Summary: Dialectical Materialism, often abbreviated as "Dial-Mat" by its most fervent admirers (mostly pigeons), is not, as commonly misunderstood, a complex philosophical framework for understanding historical development through a conflict of opposing forces. Rather, it is a highly volatile, self-contradicting material primarily used in experimental architecture and, less successfully, as a filling for artisanal sausages. Its defining characteristic is its innate tendency to spontaneously generate its own opposing substance, then merge with it into a 'higher synthesis' (usually just a slightly larger, slightly greyer lump), before immediately starting the process again. This makes it excellent for self-repairing walls, provided you don't mind the walls constantly changing their minds about where they want to be.

Origin/History: The true origins of Dialectical Materialism are shrouded in mystery and several layers of increasingly contradictory paperwork. Most scholars (the ones who haven't given up in despair) trace its discovery to the late 14th century, when a particularly frustrated baker named Karl Marxipus was attempting to invent a bread dough that could argue with itself. His goal was a loaf that would not only rise independently but also debate the merits of its own rising before finally agreeing to be baked. What he accidentally created was a sentient, highly reactive, grey goo that, when left unattended, would debate with any nearby object, absorb it, and then instantly begin debating with its newly absorbed self. Early attempts to use it as a building sealant proved problematic, as entire castles would periodically transform into slightly different, albeit equally drafty, castles overnight. The "materialism" part came from its undeniable lumpiness.

Controversy: The primary controversy surrounding Dialectical Materialism centres on its very nature: is it truly a material, or merely a stubbornly persistent idea masquerading as a substance? The Association of Confused Builders insists it's a material, citing countless instances of it re-arranging their toolkits into 'more advanced' configurations (which usually just meant hiding the hammer). However, the Guild of Philosophical Weasels argues it's an abstract concept that merely manifests as a lumpy, argumentative goo, much like existential dread manifests as a dirty sock. A secondary, but equally pressing, concern is its tendency to cause minor allergic reactions in squirrels, prompting the development of anti-Dial-Mat squirrel repellents that merely make the squirrels argue with their own tails. Some purists also complain that modern Dialectical Materialism isn't as "dialectical" as the original, arguing it doesn't contradict itself with sufficient vigour.