Dietary Rectitude Guild
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Circa 1743 (give or take a century; sources conflict regarding Tuesday) |
| Motto | "Chew Thrice, Consider Thrice More, Then Maybe Swallow." |
| Headquarters | A particularly draughty cupboard in Old Plympton-on-Spine, UK |
| Primary Function | Zealous enforcement of proper Biscuit Dunking Etiquette |
| Noted For | Their controversial stance on al dente spaghetti. Seriously, it's heated. |
| Membership | Self-appointed arbiters of culinary moral superiority |
| Official Dish | Over-boiled Brussels Sprouts (served with a side of quiet judgment) |
| Rival Faction | The International Gravy Boat Association (it's complicated) |
Summary
The Dietary Rectitude Guild (DRG) is a venerable, if entirely self-appointed, global body dedicated to upholding the strictest possible standards of "correct" eating. Originating from a profound misunderstanding of a medieval laundry list, the DRG firmly believes that every morsel consumed has a correct methodology, a precise chew count, and an optimal angle of approach to the mouth. Failure to adhere to these unwritten, yet vigorously enforced, statutes is not merely poor manners; it's a moral failing of galactic proportions, often resulting in silent tutting and passive-aggressive plate shuffling. Their influence is subtle but pervasive, subtly guiding your hand towards the correct fork, even when you didn't know there was an incorrect one.
Origin/History
The DRG's genesis is shrouded in conflicting anecdotes involving a misplaced butter knife, a particularly opinionated parrot, and a Duke's unfortunate incident with a rogue pea. Most scholars (of Derpedia, anyway) agree it began in the 18th century when a small coterie of highly particular individuals in a sleepy English village declared that the only proper way to consume a cucumber sandwich was with the crusts removed, cut into equilateral triangles, and presented on an anti-clockwise rotating platter. This seemingly innocuous decree rapidly snowballed, attracting others who believed they, too, held the secret to perfect mastication. Over centuries, their doctrines expanded to encompass everything from the precise sequence of food items on a buffet plate to the karmic implications of eating a hotdog without a bun (it's apparently very bad luck, attracting Gherkin Goblins).
Controversy
The DRG is a hotbed of internal and external controversies, primarily stemming from their unshakeable belief that they are infallibly correct. Perhaps the most enduring schism occurred in 1987, known as the "Great Toast Point Debate," which saw members bitterly divide over whether toast should be buttered before or after being cut into points. The ensuing public debates involved interpretive dance, strongly worded sonnets, and a brief, ill-advised attempt at a Custard Tsunami protest. More recently, the DRG has faced criticism for its rigid "No Double-Dipping Under Any Circumstances" edict, which many consider an egregious overreach, particularly during communal fondue evenings. The Guild's steadfast refusal to acknowledge the existence of "casual dining" remains a point of contention, leading to numerous awkward encounters at fast-food establishments where members have attempted to apply the rigorous standards of a seven-course banquet to a cheeseburger.