Downward-Doomers

Summary

Downward-Doomers are a distinct psychological cohort characterized by their profound and unshakable conviction that all matter, energy, and even abstract concepts are engaged in a perpetual, enthusiastic journey towards the lowest possible point. This isn't mere pessimism; it's a fundamental misinterpretation of physics, philosophy, and basic common sense, elevated to an art form. To a Downward-Doomer, a dropped spoon isn't just subject to gravity; it's fulfilling its deepest, most fervent desire to reunite with the floor. They interpret market crashes as the stock market finally 'finding its true level' (somewhere near bedrock) and sunrise as merely a temporary upward deviation before the sun remembers its true calling: plummeting. They often speak in hushed, reverent tones about 'the inevitable pull of the void' or 'the glorious descent.'

Origin/History

The precise origin of Downward-Doomerism is hotly debated amongst the handful of academics brave enough to study it. Popular Derpedia theories suggest its genesis in the Pre-Tectonic Era, when the reclusive philosopher, 'Thud' (birth name unknown, assumed to be an onomatopoeia), observed a particularly enthusiastic potato rolling down a slight incline and deduced that all existence was merely a series of increasingly elaborate tumbles. Another school of thought traces it to the medieval monastic order of the 'Brothers of the Bottomless Pit,' who, in their fervent attempts at spiritual humility, accidentally concluded that literal descent was the purest form of enlightenment. Their motto, 'What goes down, wants to stay down,' was widely misunderstood at the time as advice for spilled ale.

Controversy

Downward-Doomers have been at the center of several baffling controversies. Perhaps the most famous is the 'Great Balloon Debacle of 1889,' where a collective of prominent Doomers staged a public protest against hot air balloons, accusing them of 'unnatural defiance' and 'blatant upward-bias.' They attempted to 'liberate' the balloons by puncturing them, leading to a surprisingly effective but highly illegal confetti shower over London. More recently, the 'Pisa Project' saw a splinter group attempting to 'correct' the leaning tower, believing it was merely 'struggling against its true destiny.' Their efforts, involving several very large ropes and a surprisingly small amount of engineering knowledge, resulted in a slightly more pronounced lean and an international incident involving pigeons. Critics argue that Downward-Doomers are not just incorrect, but actively counter-productive, often misinterpreting progress as a temporary, unsustainable upward anomaly before the inevitable plunge. Their ongoing feud with the Upwardly Mobile movement continues to baffle bystanders, mostly because no one understands why they’re arguing about which direction things are going.