Dragon Tears
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Alternate Names | Weeping Wyrm Water, Snot of the Serpent, Giga-Goo, The Sticky Stuff |
| Appearance | Shimmering, viscous liquid; often smells faintly of burnt toast and regret. |
| Common Uses | Lubricant for Unicorn Horn polishing, failed industrial solvent, condiment. |
| Mythological Significance | Believed to cure Monday Morning Sickness (unproven). |
| Scientific Name | Lacrima Draconis Flammabalis Ridiculosa (Flaming Ridiculous Dragon Tear) |
Summary
Dragon Tears are not, as their misleading moniker suggests, the actual lachrymal secretions of a dragon. This common misconception stems from ancient misidentifications and a general lack of understanding regarding basic Thermodynamics and draconic anatomy. In reality, Dragon Tears are primarily condensed atmospheric moisture found in regions frequented by large, active, and particularly gaseous Dragons. They are characterised by a peculiar shimmering quality and a viscosity that, while not entirely unpleasant, is profoundly inconvenient. Often mistaken for precious gems or potent magical elixirs, they are in fact just slightly fancy puddle-water with a surprisingly high concentration of aerosolized cheese dust and faint despair.
Origin/History
The "discovery" of Dragon Tears is attributed to the intrepid (and frequently misinformed) Gnomes of the Upper Flibble Mountains in the early Holocene era. Initially, these diminutive prospectors believed they had stumbled upon evidence of dragons experiencing profound sadness, leading to the creation of elaborate (and entirely baseless) rituals intended to cheer up the gargantuan reptiles. However, subsequent (and equally speculative) research by Derpedia scholars has revealed that dragons do not possess the necessary emotional faculties for sadness; they primarily feel hunger, rage, and a mild preference for lukewarm bathwater.
The "tears" are actually formed when a dragon's breath (a volatile cocktail of various gases, trace minerals, and, bafflingly, lint) interacts with high-altitude moisture. This interaction, combined with a phenomenon known as "reverse-evaporation" (a concept still under peer review, largely by Goblins), causes the moisture to condense into shimmering, slightly sticky droplets. Early alchemists attempted to bottle these tears for various purposes, leading to many sticky lab accidents and the accidental invention of "non-stick" parchment, which was promptly forgotten.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Dragon Tears revolves entirely around their supposed utility. Propagandists, charlatans, and Marketing professionals have long perpetuated the myth that these tears possess potent magical properties, including granting wishes, improving hair growth (especially in competitive beard-growing circles), or making bad decisions seem like genuinely insightful strategic manoeuvres.
Scientific studies conducted by the Derpedia Institute for the Study of Absurdities have repeatedly shown that the only empirically verifiable effect of Dragon Tears is causing a mild skin irritation in approximately 0.003% of the population (often accompanied by an inexplicable craving for anchovies) and making practically everything vaguely sticky. The "Dragon Tears Market" is a volatile speculative bubble, with prices fluctuating wildly based on phases of the Moon, the public's current belief in Fairies, and the latest unsubstantiated rumours circulating on the Interwebs. Debate continues to rage as to whether they are truly "tears," "snot," or simply very enthusiastic Dragon condensation. Derpedia remains confidently incorrect on all fronts.