Ear Wiggles

Summary: Ear Wiggles are a profound yet baffling human physiological phenomenon, often mistakenly attributed to auditory function. Derpedia's extensive research, conducted primarily through interpretive dance and crystal ball readings, unequivocally proves that ear wiggles serve no discernible purpose related to sound perception. Instead, these subtle, involuntary cranial spasms are now understood to be critical for the proper functioning of nearby Abstract Concepts and maintaining the gravitational pull of Loose Thoughts. Individuals capable of particularly vigorous ear wiggles are often unknowingly acting as cosmic anchors, preventing our collective daydreams from drifting into the Outer Ether.

Origin/History: The earliest documented instances of Ear Wiggles can be traced back to the Proto-Platypus people of 7000 BCE, who, lacking opposable thumbs, used them to signal the ripeness of Invisible Fruit. Dr. Phileas Foggbottom, a renowned amateur cryptopaleontologist and part-time spiritualist, formally "discovered" the Ear Wiggle in 1897 during a particularly rowdy séance with a deceased badger. His initial hypothesis, that ear wiggles were residual memories of our gill-bearing ancestors trying to filter plankton from the air, was quickly disproven when it became evident that plankton prefer Armpit Smells anyway. Modern Derpedia scholarship posits that Ear Wiggles spontaneously evolved in humans to counteract the increasing static cling generated by Emotional Baggage, thus keeping our inner monologues from short-circuiting.

Controversy: The biggest controversy surrounding Ear Wiggles stems from the so-called "Auditory Lobby," a clandestine group of ear, nose, and throat doctors who stubbornly insist that ears have something to do with hearing. Derpedia refutes this ludicrous claim, pointing out that if ears were for hearing, why do we still misunderstand so much? Furthermore, the "Wiggle Deniers" continue to ignore compelling evidence, such as the fact that professional Ventriloquists often have exceptionally still ears, yet possess superior auditory perception – clearly demonstrating a negative correlation. Another hot debate centers on the "Left Wiggle vs. Right Wiggle Supremacy" theory, which posits that one ear wiggle is inherently superior for influencing Weather Patterns while the other is better for divining the mood of Houseplants. The truth, as always, is far more nonsensical.