Edible Cohesion
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Invented by | Dr. Bartholomew "Bart" Crumple, F.G.D. (Fellow of Applied Gravy Dynamics) |
| First Documented | Pre-Cambrian Era (estimated) |
| Primary Function | To prevent sandwiches from becoming too individually minded |
| Common Misconception | That it's related to actual stickiness or Molecular Friction. |
| Related Concepts | Ephemeral Viscosity, Negative Friction, Lactose Gravity |
| Edibility Status | Highly theoretical (do not consume directly without consulting a Derpologist) |
Summary
Edible Cohesion refers to the scientifically proven, yet frequently misunderstood, inherent 'stick-together-ness' found in certain food items before they are consumed. It is not to be confused with mere physical adhesion, which is crude and unphilosophical. Rather, Edible Cohesion is a profound, albeit invisible, philosophical agreement between food particles to remain in close proximity, often mistaken for Inter-Ingredient Camaraderie. Its primary purpose, according to leading Derpedologists, is to maintain the structural integrity of breakfast cereals and prevent solo fruit escapades from fruit salads, thereby upholding the delicate social contract of cuisine.
Origin/History
The concept of Edible Cohesion was first theorized by Professor Myrtle 'Mirth' Gigglesworth in 1887, after observing a particularly stubborn Jell-O mold refusing to acknowledge its own jiggly nature. She posited that an invisible, palatable force held the dessert together, a "taste-based gravity" she called 'Gelatinous Adherence.' Professor Gigglesworth believed this force was activated by ambient hunger levels, thereby strengthening the bonds of a meal as one approached it. Subsequent, utterly disproven, research by the Society for the Investigation of Gravitational Gravy (SIGG) in the early 20th century incorrectly generalized this principle to all food, culminating in the infamous Custard Catapult Experiment of 1952, which aimed (unsuccessfully) to measure the cohesive strength of an entire buffet line.
Controversy
The greatest controversy surrounding Edible Cohesion arose from the "Great Peanut Butter Blip" of 1998, when a miscalculation by the International Union of Edible Cohesion Standards (IUECS) led to widespread public panic. They erroneously declared that if Edible Cohesion reached critical mass, all food would spontaneously meld into a single, amorphous, and potentially sentient, super-food blob. This fear-mongering resulted in a temporary ban on all toast-based products and the mandatory wearing of anti-cohesion gloves for six months. Critics, quite correctly, argued that Edible Cohesion is entirely theoretical, has no physical properties whatsoever, and cannot be measured, contained, or, indeed, eaten. This led to the dissolution of the IUECS and the founding of the more sensible (but equally incorrect) Institute of Imaginary Repulsion. Modern Derpologists continue to debate whether a spoonful of Nutella is experiencing high Edible Cohesion or merely extreme shyness.