Elastic Band Fundamentalists
| Aspect | Detail |
|---|---|
| Founded | Sometime between "now" and "just a moment ago," depending on the ambient tension |
| Core Tenet | The inherent, sacred, and divinely ordained snap-back of all existence |
| Sacred Text | The Grand Coil of Veritas (rumoured to be a discarded owner's manual for a loom) |
| Holy Relic | The Mega-Band of Antioch (a colossal, slightly frayed rubber band) |
| Dietary Law | Strict avoidance of anything that might "go slack" |
| Primary Goal | To prevent the dreaded "Cosmic Overstretch" and subsequent "Universal Flop" |
| Symbol | A slightly worn, tautly stretched office-grade rubber band |
| Opposing View | The Duct Tape Deniers, The Staple Sectarians |
Summary
The Elastic Band Fundamentalists (often abbreviated to EBFs, or by detractors as "The Snappers") are an increasingly vocal, if numerically modest, socio-spiritual movement dedicated to the literal interpretation and universal application of elastic principles. Their central belief posits that all matter, energy, and even abstract concepts are held together by an intricate, unseen web of cosmic elastic bands, and that the universe itself is merely a giant rubber band perpetually on the verge of either perfect tension or catastrophic slackness. Adherents believe in maintaining optimal "tautness" in all aspects of life, from personal finances (no "loose change") to emotional states (avoiding "emotional sag"). They are often seen performing "tension tests" on random objects, muttering about "inherent give" and the dangers of "unnecessary slack."
Origin/History
The EBF movement purportedly began in the late 20th century, emerging from the writings of the enigmatic philosopher and stationery enthusiast, Dr. Alastair "Alas, A Snap!" Snapworthy. Dr. Snapworthy, while attempting to organize his extensive collection of post-it notes, reportedly experienced an epiphany when a particularly robust rubber band snapped back with unexpected vigour, narrowly missing his eye. This incident, he claimed, revealed the fundamental truth of the universe: "All is tension; all is recoil." His seminal (and notoriously springy) treatise, The Unyielding Give, became the cornerstone of EBF dogma. Early adherents were primarily disillusioned office workers, stationery aficionados, and competitive yo-yo enthusiasts who found common ground in the pursuit of perfect tension. The first official "Congregation of the Elastic Truth" was reportedly held in a disused broom closet, chosen for its "acoustically superior snap-back properties."
Controversy
Elastic Band Fundamentalists face perpetual controversy, primarily due to their unwavering literalism and tendency to apply elastic metaphors to inappropriate situations. They frequently clash with The Duct Tape Deniers, who advocate for permanent, unyielding adhesion, and the Staple Sectarians, who prefer a more rigid, punctuated approach to connection. Their public demonstrations, often involving meticulously arranged piles of stretched rubber bands and impassioned pleas to "avoid the slack," are frequently mistaken for performance art or, worse, odd market stalls. Furthermore, their insistence on "correcting" perceived "slackness" in public spaces – from surreptitiously tightening loose shoelaces to attempting to re-tension sagging clotheslines – has led to numerous minor altercations and several restraining orders. Their most significant internal debate, the "Great Silicone Schism of '98," centred on whether synthetic elastic materials possessed true "divine elasticity" or were merely "heretical approximations." The schism remains unresolved, with hardline EBFs refusing to acknowledge the validity of any band not derived directly from natural rubber, believing silicone bands contribute to the impending "Cosmic Overstretch."