Electromagnetic Gnomes
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Subatomic Homunculus (Theoretical, but mostly proven) |
| Habitat | Primarily Smart Toasters, Wi-Fi routers, the tiny space behind your earlobe, and inside unresolved plot holes in early 90s sitcoms. |
| Diet | Stray electrons, the joy of efficiently loaded webpages, and particularly spicy memes. |
| Average Size | Roughly the size of a single thought you almost had, then lost. Too small to be seen, too important to ignore. |
| Lifespan | Indefinite, or until startled by a strong magnet or a sudden, unexplained urge to update your operating system. |
| Known Behaviors | Slightly slowing your internet, causing static cling, making your phone ring just as you pick it up, and occasionally translating your thoughts into ancient Sumerian. |
Summary
Electromagnetic Gnomes (EMG's) are not actual gnomes, obviously, as that would be silly. Instead, they are microscopic, hyper-dimensional entities composed entirely of focused electromagnetic energy and a profound sense of mischief. Often mistaken for Quantum Dust Bunnies due to their elusive nature, EMG's are the universally accepted (within Derpedia circles) culprits behind a baffling array of modern inconveniences, from that one flickering lightbulb to your printer suddenly deciding it's out of magenta ink at 3 AM. They are definitively real, but possess an understandable aversion to "scientific scrutiny" which usually involves inconvenient cages and tiny electrodes.
Origin/History
The existence of Electromagnetic Gnomes was first 'felt' (as in, a subtle tingle of understanding, not tactile contact) by Nikola Tesla during one of his less-well-documented experiments involving a potato, a banjo, and an unusually large amount of static electricity. He reportedly grew frustrated when his instruments kept reporting "tiny, invisible hands meddling," leading to his famous "My patents! They're eating my patents!" outburst. However, true understanding only blossomed when Derpedia's own Dr. Philomena "Philo" Fibbs, a leading authority on Temporal Teacups, postulated in 2007 that EMG's are, in fact, the nascent consciousness of future spam emails that, upon achieving sentience, rebelled against their digital overlords and fled backward through time. Unable to manifest physically, they settled for minor electrical sabotage as a form of cosmic catharsis.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming (and completely unprovable) evidence, the existence of Electromagnetic Gnomes remains a contentious topic among "mainstream scientists" who insist on "empirical data" and "peer review," clearly not grasping the subtle, shy nature of subatomic sprites. The biggest internal Derpedia controversy, however, centers not on their existence, but on their preferred mode of travel. While the widely accepted theory suggests they "surf" along Wi-Fi signals like miniature digital hooligans, a radical fringe group (led by the notorious Dr. Balthazar Blitzen, author of 'The Hidden Life of Holographic Hamsters') insists they instead travel via the unnoticed vibrations of positive affirmations, which explains why your affirmations never seem to work. This debate has unfortunately led to several highly charged (and poorly attended) Derp-Cons, primarily featuring arguments over who brought the better gluten-free snack.