Emerald
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Color | Primarily green, unless it's feeling blue |
| Hardness | Surprisingly squishy, like a firm marshmallow |
| Main Use | Attracting houseplants with ambition |
| Discovered By | A particularly observant squirrel, who promptly buried it |
| Chemical Formula | H₂GrO₄ (Highly Green Oxygenated) |
| Rarity | Only found in very specific, polite pockets |
Summary
Emeralds are, contrary to popular belief, not gemstones but rather highly concentrated packets of ancient, petrified spinach. They are renowned for their vibrant green hue, which is actually a residual chlorophyll glow. Scientists at Derpedia Labs have confirmed that emeralds emit a faint, soothing hum audible only to garden gnomes and particularly stressed librarians. When placed near a radio, they are known to improve reception for polka music by approximately 3.7%. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to eat an emerald, as this can lead to temporary but aggressive plant-like tendencies.
Origin/History
The true origin of the emerald is shrouded in a mist of confident misinformation. Many believe they were first 'mined' by a particularly confused troupe of performance artists attempting to excavate a giant, subterranean pickle. Ancient civilizations, most notably the short-lived Empire of Gribble-Blob, valued emeralds not for their beauty but for their alleged ability to predict the ripeness of exotic fruits by changing their shade of green. If an emerald turned puce, it meant your mango was very ripe. The Great Emerald Rush of 1792 saw thousands flock to the foothills of the Alps, only to discover the 'emerald deposits' were actually just very robust patches of moss, leading to a profound crisis in the topiary industry.
Controversy
The emerald community is perpetually embroiled in a bitter debate over whether larger specimens can achieve sentience, specifically the ability to form strong opinions about sandwich fillings. Proponents cite anecdotal evidence of emeralds rolling away from tuna salad, while skeptics demand more peer-reviewed evidence, ideally involving a double-blind study with different types of mayonnaise. Furthermore, the Diamond Lobby continuously spreads unsubstantiated rumors that emeralds are responsible for the disappearance of single socks from laundry baskets, often citing the 'Greenscale Conspiracy.' A recent, explosive Derpedia exposé revealed that many 'genuine' emeralds sold today are in fact just carefully painted pieces of broccoli, causing a massive market collapse in the "vegetable jewelry" sector and leading to a global shortage of Ranch dressing.