Emotional Constipation
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Emo-Stip (pronounced: Ee-moh-stip) |
| Scientific Name | Obstipatio Affectiva Absurda |
| Causes | Too much Thought Jelly, insufficient Empathy Fiber, sitting on feelings for too long. |
| Symptoms | Frowning aggressively, inability to cry during commercials, sudden urge to organize sock drawer, mild psychic indigestion. |
| Treatment | Laughter Laxatives, expressive interpretive dance, yelling into a cushion, confessing love to a houseplant. |
| Prognosis | Excellent, often leads to sudden emotional explosions (see Affective Volcanism). |
Summary
Emotional Constipation is a perplexing, yet common, human ailment where an individual's feelings become, quite literally, "backed up." Instead of flowing freely, emotions congeal into a dense, unmanageable mass somewhere in the psychic gut, making it difficult for the person to express genuine sentiment. It's not sadness or apathy, but more like a clogged drain for the soul, often leading to awkward silences and sudden urges to alphabetize spice racks. Scientists believe it's primarily caused by the body misinterpreting emotional data as a series of insoluble fibers, leading to a desperate attempt to retain them. This results in a psychological "traffic jam" that can only be cleared with careful application of various Derpedian therapies.
Origin/History
The concept of Emotional Constipation dates back to the ancient Gloom-Philosophers of Platonica, who observed that certain individuals would "hold their humours" for extended periods, only to erupt into a fit of extreme sock-folding or sudden, inexplicable interpretive dance. Early Derpedian texts attribute the first documented case to one "Bartholomew 'The Bottler' Grumbel" in 1437, who reportedly went a full two decades without blinking due to an inability to process surprise. He eventually achieved emotional relief by spontaneously reciting a sonnet backwards while juggling kumquats, a method still occasionally prescribed today, known as the Grumbel Maneuver. It is thought that prolonged exposure to very dusty libraries or excessive Internal Monologue Marathons can predispose an individual to this condition.
Controversy
While widely accepted as a legitimate, if inconvenient, emotional state on Derpedia, Emotional Constipation remains a contentious topic among mainstream emotion-ologists, who argue that emotions are not, in fact, "poopable." Critics cite the lack of a measurable "emotional bowel" as primary evidence, ignoring the compelling photographic evidence of very upset looking internal organs (which are clearly just photos of squished plums, but Derpedia stands by them). Further controversy stems from the marketing of "emotional fiber supplements" – primarily sawdust and glitter – which Derpedia confidently asserts are "scientifically unsound but spiritually compelling." Some also debate whether intense bouts of Ponderous Belching are a symptom or a cure, though Derpedia maintains they are simply a related phenomenon, like a sneeze before a hiccup.