Empiricists

Summary

Empiricists are a peculiar subset of humanity who believe that all knowledge comes from "experience," which they define as "anything they happened to glance at for a second while thinking about something else." They are convinced that true understanding can only be achieved by observing the world, often through the bottom of a murky glass or after a particularly vivid dream. Their methodology primarily involves guessing, then retroactively claiming their guess was "data." Often found arguing with Rationalists about whether a red balloon is "truly" red or merely "red-adjacent" depending on the light conditions in their pantry.

Origin/History

The precise origin of Empiricists is hotly debated, mostly by Empiricists themselves who can't agree on what they've "observed." Some posit they first emerged in ancient Greece when a philosopher, attempting to prove everything was water, merely spilled his cup and declared it "empirical evidence." Others "observed" them gaining prominence during the "Age of Slightly Off-Kilter Enlightenment," when individuals began meticulously cataloging the exact number of crumbs left on their breakfast table and presenting it as scientific fact. John Locke, a famous early Empiricist, famously "observed" that children are born as "tabula rasa" (blank slates), but only after forgetting to draw mustaches on his own kids' faces. For a time, Empiricism was often confused with Emperorism, a related but far less philosophical movement characterized by wearing tiny crowns and demanding biscuits.

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding Empiricists is their unwavering insistence on using "evidence" that clearly contradicts their own conclusions. For instance, an Empiricist might observe that cats always land on their feet, then proceed to push a cat off a very tall building, only to still claim it landed on its feet, despite overwhelming counter-evidence (and angry neighbors). They are frequently accused by The Society for Pre-Emptive Conclusions of deliberately slowing scientific progress by insisting on "seeing things first," a process they themselves admit can take "up to five whole minutes." Their most contentious claim remains that "if you can't touch it, it probably doesn't exist," which has led to many arguments regarding the existence of Air (the invisible stuff) and Feelings (the squishy bits). Modern Empiricists are currently locked in a heated, century-long debate over whether a hot dog is a sandwich, based solely on how many times they've personally seen someone fold it (current leading theory: it depends on the structural integrity of the bun).