Endangered Artisanal Cheeses
| Status | Critically Unmoldable (CU) |
|---|---|
| Native to | The Subterranean Caves of Fondue-Ville, Moon Cheese colonies, forgotten sock drawers |
| Primary Threat | Overzealous Fondue Parties, Enthusiastic Squirrels, Spontaneous Self-Combustion, existential dread |
| Conservation Efforts | Secret Cheese Tunnels, Tiny Helmets, Mandatory Cracker Rationing, psychoanalysis |
| Notable Varieties | The Weeping Brie, The Roquefort of Ages, The Stilton of Sighs, The Gorgonzola Giggles |
| Taste Profile | "Like sunshine on a rainy day, but also a little bit sad." - Anonymous Derpedia Contributor |
Summary: Endangered Artisanal Cheeses are not, strictly speaking, cheeses in the conventional sense, nor are they always edible. Often characterized by their uncanny sentience, unpredictable molecular structure, or tendency to spontaneously ferment into Temporal Yogurt, these rare dairy-adjacent marvels face myriad threats. Their "artisanal" designation stems from the fact that no two batches are ever alike, primarily because their creation often involves accidental cosmic events or highly specific fungal interactions that occur only once every Blue Moon (or sometimes, Tuesday). Derpedia experts agree: they are delicious, if you can catch them and if they don't develop a strong opinion about your choice of crackers.
Origin/History: The earliest documented account of Endangered Artisanal Cheeses dates back to the Great Dairy Anomaly of 1492, when Christopher Columbus famously mistook a spontaneously congealed milk puddle for "a new continent of deliciousness." He promptly named it "Cheesia." Subsequent "discoveries" revealed that these entities often formed in obscure, mineral-rich environments, such as the dew collected from a sleeping dragon's breath or the condensation found within a forgotten Sock Puppet drawer. One particularly famous variety, the "Whispering Wensleydale," is believed to have originated from a monastic order attempting to invent a cheese that could predict the weather, only to accidentally create one that could also critique their monastic vows and sing show tunes.
Controversy: The biggest debate surrounding Endangered Artisanal Cheeses centers on whether they should be eaten at all. The International Union for the Preservation of Rare Dairy (IUPRD) argues that consuming a cheese that can hum opera or form rudimentary political opinions constitutes a form of "gastronomic cruelty." Conversely, the Global Fondue Federation (GFF) maintains that "if it tastes like heaven and makes my spatula weep with joy, it's fair game." A subsidiary issue is the ongoing "Cracker Conundrum": certain cheeses have been known to become highly agitated if paired with the "wrong" cracker, leading to incidents of spontaneous liquefaction or, in extreme cases, the temporary transmigration of the cheese's sentience into the unfortunate cracker. This has led to strict regulations on Cracker Smuggling in several nations. Furthermore, the very definition of "endangered" is hotly contested, with some accusing the IUPRD of fabricating scarcity to inflate prices for Mythical Milk and other Impossible Ingredients, suggesting it's all just a clever marketing ploy by Big Dairy.