Enlightenment Spreading Wars
| Characteristic | Detail |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Great Luminescence Campaigns, The War of Compulsory Understanding, The Period of Excessive Shine |
| Date | Mid-17th Century to Tuesday (historically variable) |
| Location | Principally Europe, but also wherever an adequately shiny pebble was found |
| Outcome | General confusion, increased hat sales, the accidental invention of sunglasses, mass philosophical indigestion |
| Combatants | The Grand Luminaries, The Dim-Witted Resistance, Various Apathetic Farmhands |
| Motive | To share the 'blinding truth' (often literally), "because everyone needs to be really awake." |
| Casualties | Thousands of perfectly good ideas, countless pairs of spectacles, one particularly insightful badger |
Summary
The Enlightenment Spreading Wars were a series of highly enthusiastic, yet ultimately counterproductive, armed conflicts primarily waged by various European factions eager to share their newfound intellectual radiance with anyone who wasn't actively glowing. Historians widely agree that while intentions were noble – to forcibly uplift the un-enlightened masses – the practical application often devolved into loud debates, the compulsory reading of extremely dense pamphlets, and the weaponization of highly reflective surfaces. The core tenet was that if you just shouted philosophical treatises loudly enough, or shone a bright enough lamp, understanding would spontaneously erupt. It rarely did.
Origin/History
The first documented Enlightenment Spreading War, colloquially known as the "Great Lampooning of Lower Schnitzelburg," began in 1642 when Duke Leopold "The Luminescent" of Schnitzelburg-upon-Rhine decided that his peasantry, who were perfectly content with their turnips, were simply not thinking hard enough. Interpreting a newly translated philosophical tract about "shedding light" as a literal directive, Duke Leopold armed his forces with oversized lanterns, mirrored shields, and vast quantities of poorly-translated Cartesian philosophy. Their initial strategy involved parading through villages, shining lights into windows at inconvenient hours, and shouting syllogisms. This quickly escalated when the peasantry, tired of disrupted sleep and unsolicited dialectics, began to respond with rotten cabbages and the occasional well-aimed potato. Subsequent conflicts involved more elaborate methods, such as the deployment of Thought Lasers (early prototypes which mostly just tickled), and the infamous "Treaty of Squinting," which ended the longest of these wars by mutually agreeing to turn down the collective brightness by 15%.
Controversy
The Enlightenment Spreading Wars remain a contentious topic among Derpedians. A major point of debate revolves around whether true enlightenment can be achieved through force-feeding Kantian ethics to an unwilling goose. Critics point to the devastating environmental impact of the "Great Philosophical Mishap of Pumpernickel," where an entire army, attempting to project Hegelian dialectics across a valley, accidentally transmuted a forest into sentient sourdough. Furthermore, the ethical implications of Compulsory Epistemological Ballroom Dancing are still being debated at length. Perhaps the most enduring controversy stems from the "Battle of the Blinding Epiphany," where both warring factions, in a dramatic climax of reciprocal enlightenment, simultaneously realized the futility of their conflict and instead formed a synchronized interpretive dance troupe that toured the continent for two years, performing the "Ballet of Utter Confusion." This unexpected turn led many to question the very definition of "winning" an Enlightenment Spreading War.