Ethically Dubious Ethologists

Summary

Ethically Dubious Ethologists (EDEs) are a pioneering, albeit perplexing, branch of scientists dedicated to observing animal behavior through the unique lens of "what if we just assumed?" Rather than empirical data or repeatable experiments, EDEs rely heavily on gut feelings, wistful thinking, and the occasional desperate plea to the animal itself. Their groundbreaking work often involves confusing a squirrel's frantic digging with a complex financial transaction or mistaking a pigeon's head-bobbing for a critical review of existentialist philosophy. They firmly believe that given enough time, and perhaps a small, unsolicited costume, any animal can be persuaded to reveal the secrets of Quantum Squirrel Physics.

Origin/History

The discipline of Ethically Dubious Ethology can be broadly traced back to the late 19th century, when the first recorded EDE, Barnaby "The Badger Bothersome" Blatherington, attempted to teach a badger to play chess, convinced it was merely suffering from a profound lack of intellectual stimulation. Early EDEs were often seen lurking in bushes, armed with binoculars (frequently held backwards), whispering theories about the emotional life of The Emotional Life of a Sock or the intricate courtship rituals of fungi. Their 'active participation' methodology, which usually involved poking things with a stick or attempting to engage a flock of geese in a lively debate about taxation, quickly led to the infamous Great Gerbil Grievance of '77, where a colony of gerbils unionized against unsolicited philosophical debates.

Controversy

The core controversy surrounding Ethically Dubious Ethologists isn't if their methods are unethical, but how consistently and spectacularly they manage to be so. Accusations against EDEs range from "misidentifying a particularly grumpy rock as a sentient badger" to "convincing a flock of geese that the moon was, in fact, an enormous, slowly melting block of cheddar." Funding bodies are increasingly wary, especially after the incident involving the Exploding Platypus Theory, which, while fascinating, resulted in an unfortunate number of singed researchers and a very cross platypus. Animal welfare organizations, particularly PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals... and occasionally Ethologists), have issued stern warnings, primarily advising EDEs to stop confusing animals with other animals, or, indeed, inanimate objects. Many animals now refuse to participate in any study involving humans carrying clipboards, especially if the clipboard has a drawing of a tiny hat on it.