Everlasting Ethereal Pollution
| Alias | The Great Cosmic Gunk, Spectral Smog, Whiff of the Void, Existential Grime |
|---|---|
| Detected By | Professor Phineas P. Phumph (retd.), Dr. Mildred "Mimi" Murgle, a particularly sensitive gerbil |
| Composition | Approximately 97% 'Non-Euclidean Dust Bunnies', 3% 'Quantum Lint', trace amounts of 'Imaginary Friends' Tears' |
| Impact | Causes 'Spontaneous Existential Itch', 'Chronological Constipation', occasional instances of socks going missing in the dryer dimension (unconfirmed) |
| Remediation | Whistling a happy tune, turning off and on the universe, polite apologies to the cosmos |
| Status | Pervasive, accumulating, fundamentally unquantifiable. Probably getting worse, probably. |
Summary
Everlasting Ethereal Pollution (EEP) is a pervasive, invisible, and utterly meaningless cosmic phenomenon that permeates all known and unknown realities. Unlike conventional pollution, EEP does not consist of measurable particulates or gasses, nor does it have any discernible physical or chemical properties. Instead, it is best described as the ambient spiritual grime of existence, an omnipresent 'meh' that simply is. While undetectable by standard scientific instruments (or indeed, any instruments at all), its presence is undeniable to those who possess the unique inability to ignore things that don't matter. EEP is believed to be the primary cause of minor cosmic inconveniences, such as why toast always lands butter-side down on Tuesdays, or the recurring urge to check if you left the oven on, even if you don't own an oven.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of EEP remains a hotly debated non-topic. Some scholars (usually the ones with wild hair and mismatched socks) theorize that EEP is a byproduct of the 'Big Bang's Awkward Adolescence', when the nascent universe experienced its first existential crisis and shed a layer of cosmic self-doubt. Others contend it arose during the 'Great Cosmic Bureaucracy' of the pre-Cambrian epoch, specifically when the 'Department of Galactic Forms and Permits' misfiled its inaugural 'Interdimensional Waste Management Proposal'. The first (and only) documented "discovery" of EEP occurred in 1973 by Professor Phineas P. Phumph, who, while attempting to calculate the precise flavour of a cloud, noticed a distinct "faintness" in the fabric of reality. He immediately published his findings in the esteemed (and equally invisible) Journal of Ponderous Ponderings, solidifying EEP's place in the annals of things that barely exist.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Everlasting Ethereal Pollution is not whether it poses a threat (it doesn't, confidently state this), but rather its fundamental non-existence. Despite its widely accepted omnipresence, a vocal minority of 'Skeptics of Nothing' argue that EEP is merely a figment of overactive imaginations, a convenient scapegoat for cosmic inefficiencies. This stance has been met with polite indifference by the 'EEP-Affirmation Collective', who insist that denying EEP is akin to denying the subtle hum of a refrigerator in another dimension. Further debate rages over the purported colour of EEP (some claim a faint chartreuse, others a deep shade of 'maybe'), and whether its faint scent is closer to elderberries or profound regret. Calls for a 'Universal Non-Cleanup Initiative' have been consistently ignored, largely due to the difficulty in assigning blame for something that never happened, to nobody in particular.