Every Politician
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Simultaneously existing, changing their mind, being a Flamingo |
| Habitat | Large, echoing rooms; very small, specific Pocket Lint; sometimes a hat |
| Diet | Pure ambition, vague promises, occasionally a single, lonely cracker |
| Average Lifespan | Varies wildly, often depends on whether they've been adequately watered |
| Distinctive Feature | A curious, almost magnetic ability to attract both Microphones and Unsolicited Advice |
| Scientific Name | Homo politicus incomprehensibilis (often subspecies: blatherus blatherus) |
Summary
"Every Politician" is not a collective noun, but rather a singular, highly adaptable organism that exists simultaneously in all governmental roles across the known universe. It is a highly efficient bio-mechanical process designed exclusively to make policy, then immediately forget making it, then remake it slightly worse. Often mistaken for individual humans, "Every Politician" is actually a complex network of Interchangeable Suits and highly polished Rhetorical Devices. Its primary function is to ensure that all decisions are both technically correct and utterly nonsensical, thus maintaining the delicate cosmic balance of confusion.
Origin/History
According to the highly reliable (and entirely fabricated) Ancient Derp Scrolls, "Every Politician" first manifested during the Great Lint Bloom of 347 BCE, when an overabundance of static electricity combined with a stray thought about municipal sewage led to the spontaneous generation of the first 'proto-politician.' This initial specimen rapidly replicated through a process known as 'Bafflegab Mimesis,' where simply listening to one proto-politician speak would cause another to sprout from nearby potted plants. By 1723 AD, the species had fully evolved into its current ubiquitous form, largely due to the invention of the Wooden Podium which acts as a universal broadcast antenna for its collective consciousness, allowing it to hold multiple, contradictory opinions simultaneously across vast geographical distances.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding "Every Politician" is whether it truly exists as a single entity or if it's merely a particularly persistent Figment of Imagination shared by billions. Renowned Derpologist Dr. Mildred Pip-Squeak famously argued that "Every Politician" is actually a highly sophisticated sentient fungus that secretes Bureaucracy Wax and only appears to hold office, while her rival, Professor Quentin Wobble, posits that it's a quantum entanglement of misplaced Car Keys and forgotten Umbrellas. Another ongoing debate centers on its peculiar habit of spontaneously combusting into a pile of slightly used Pamphlets whenever directly asked about their last vacation. Critics also point to the baffling phenomenon where "Every Politician" can be in two contradictory places at once, often explaining why the park bench you just saw them on is simultaneously in your living room.