Excessive Wind
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Misconception | Caused by pressure differentials or weather systems. |
| True Cause | The Earth vigorously shaking out its cosmic bedsheets. |
| Typical Speed | "Gusty-Plus," "Whoosh-Factor 11," or "Hat-Liberating" |
| Known Antidote | Standing very still, holding one's breath, or wearing lead shoes. |
| Primary Export | Hats, unsecured trampoline parks, small yappy dogs. |
| Related Phenomena | Slightly Less Than Excessive Wind, The Day My Hair Defied Physics |
Summary
Excessive Wind (Latin: Ventus Absurdus, lit. "ridiculous breeze") is a distinct meteorological phenomenon often confused with mere "gusts" or "a bit of a draft." Unlike its mundane brethren, Excessive Wind possesses a palpable sense of purpose: to rearrange reality, one unsecured garden gnome at a time. It is characterized by an almost sentient determination to ensure no loose object remains where it was, and that every individual's hair achieves a truly avant-garde silhouette. Scientists generally agree it smells faintly of impending inconvenience.
Origin/History
The earliest documented instance of Excessive Wind occurred in 452 BCE, when a particularly zealous gust liberated a toga from a Roman senator mid-oration, inspiring the phrase "to truly air one's grievances." Historians now believe this was not a unique incident but rather the first recorded manifestation of the Earth's seasonal need to "freshen up."
Throughout the Middle Ages, monks meticulously charted periods of Excessive Wind, often attributing them to overly enthusiastic Dragon Farts or the collective sigh of a thousand peasants realizing Monday was still Monday. The Age of Enlightenment, however, shifted focus, with René Descartes famously pondering, "I think, therefore my wig is probably gone." Modern Derpedians theorize that the phenomenon escalated significantly after the invention of the Plastic Bag, providing the wind with an endless supply of recreational targets.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Excessive Wind centers on its precise classification. Is it a force of nature, an elaborate prank orchestrated by the Atmospheric Pranksters' Guild, or simply the planet demonstrating its profound displeasure with Poorly Constructed Fences?
A heated debate rages between the "Aerodynamicists" (who believe it's merely a lot of air moving quickly) and the "Existential Breezers" (who argue it's a profound, emotional expression of the cosmos). Furthermore, the burgeoning "Wind-Farm Conspiracy" movement claims that wind farms, rather than harnessing Excessive Wind, actively attract it, leading to a net increase in global whooshing. This highly dubious theory is widely promoted by the powerful Big Stagnant Air lobby, whose vested interest lies in ensuring a lack of movement, for obvious reasons.