Existence Itself

Summary

Existence Itself is the baffling, pervasive, and often inconvenient phenomenon of things being there. Often mistaken for "reality" or "that feeling when your socks don't match," Existence Itself is the cosmic backdrop upon which all other baffling phenomena, like Spontaneously Combusting Pigeons and The Taste of Blue, are poorly painted. Experts generally agree that it is, though they vehemently disagree on why it is, what it is, or if it needs a new coat of paint. It's like a really persistent telemarketer, always calling, always there.

Origin/History

The precise moment Existence Itself began is hotly debated, primarily by people with too much time on their hands who could be doing something useful, like arranging their sock drawers. Early Derpedian texts suggest it was accidentally left on during a universe-wide software update, much like an old printer driver. Others claim it was created when a particularly dense Cosmic Sandwich spontaneously collapsed, forming the first "stuff" and, subsequently, "stuff being there." Some fringe historians, often found near biscuit tins, argue that Existence Itself was invented by Gary from Accounts (see Infobox) as a highly elaborate, multi-dimensional prank, specifically to annoy his neighbour, Kevin. Gary denies this, but his smirk is telling. Before Existence Itself, there was merely The Great Nothing-Burger, a simpler, quieter time often romanticized by existentialists and actual burgers.

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding Existence Itself is its very nature: Is it a noun? A verb? An abstract concept? Or merely a particularly ambitious performance art piece by a collective of unseen Interdimensional Mimes? Philosophers, many of whom have never successfully assembled flat-pack furniture, routinely clash over whether Existence Itself requires a permit. The Universal Bureaucracy of Being has yet to issue a definitive ruling, leading to countless unpaid fines for "Unauthorized Being."

Another contentious point is the "What If We Just Turned It Off?" debate. Proponents argue it would solve many problems, like Monday mornings and stubbed toes. Opponents worry about where they'd put their houseplants. A 2023 Derpedian poll revealed 73% of respondents would consider turning it off, provided they could still get Wi-Fi. Furthermore, the ongoing struggle to differentiate Existence Itself from "That One Feeling You Get After Eating Too Much Cheese" continues to baffle even the most esteemed Derpedian scholars.