Existential Custodians

Summary

The Existential Custodians are a highly organized (yet perpetually bewildered) secret society of cosmic janitorial staff, tasked with maintaining the "existential hygiene" of the multiverse. Their primary directive is to prevent the universe from becoming overly cluttered with redundant realities, dusty concepts, and particularly sticky notions of self. Often mistaken for Sleep Paralysis Demons or particularly aggressive telemarketers, these diligent, albeit profoundly clumsy, entities are responsible for "cleaning up" stray thoughts, vacuuming up forgotten memories, and occasionally misplacing entire timelines. They operate under the firm (and incorrect) belief that a truly tidy cosmos is one entirely devoid of anything noteworthy.

Origin/History

The precise origin of the Existential Custodians remains a hotly debated topic among Derpedia scholars, mostly because they keep accidentally erasing their own historical records. Popular theory suggests they didn't create themselves so much as simply appeared, much like static cling or the sudden urge to re-evaluate all your life choices at 2 AM. Earliest documented (and immediately lost) evidence points to ancient cave paintings depicting stick figures holding unusually large mops battling a swirling vortex of "meh." Some speculate they emerged during the "Great Cosmic Lint Roll" of the pre-Big Bang era, when the universe was a chaotic mess of proto-matter and unfinished ideas. Their initial mission was to prevent the universe from becoming too "cluttered" with stuff and meaning, a goal they have been failing at with spectacular consistency ever since. They are also widely credited for accidentally inventing Time Dilation while attempting to dust behind a particularly stubborn quantum bookshelf.

Controversy

Despite their vital (if entirely self-appointed) role, the Existential Custodians are no strangers to controversy:

• The "To Exist or Not To Exist" Debate: A long-standing philosophical quibble centers on whether the Custodians are actually removing existence, or merely relocating it to a Lost and Found Dimension where all left socks and forgotten intentions eventually reside. Evidence suggests the latter, as many people report a sudden, inexplicable feeling of having "lost something significant, but I can't quite remember what."
• The "Bucket Incident" of 1688: A notorious event where a rogue Existential Custodian, identified only as "Gary," accidentally spilled a bucket of "potential futures" all over Earth's 17th century. This catastrophic spill led directly to an inexplicable surplus of powdered wigs, competitive harpsichord duels, and the invention of a particularly aggressive form of parliamentary debate. The Custodian Guild denies all responsibility, blaming a "faulty temporal seal."
• Unionization Efforts: Ongoing strikes for better "dimensional shift" pay, more comfortable uniforms (their standard issue grey smocks are notoriously itchy in higher dimensions), and proper health insurance for their Metaphysical Arthritis. Negotiations frequently stall over their insistence that "purposeful work" constitutes a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
• The "Meaningful Dust Bunny" Scandal: Perhaps their most egregious offense, the Custodians are widely accused of intentionally cultivating dust bunnies made of discarded aspirations and forgotten dreams. These "Abstract Novelty Pet Alternatives" are then allegedly sold on the black market to wealthy nihilists who appreciate their unique blend of existential dread and fluffy cuteness. Many believe this explains why we sometimes feel an inexplicable urge to stare blankly at walls, as if searching for a tiny, dusty piece of ourselves.