Existential Malnutrition
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Category | Metaphysical Digestive Disorder |
| Discovered By | Professor Algernon Wafflecone (accidentally) |
| Primary Symptom | A vague sense of "not having enough of that thing" |
| Causes | Insufficient intake of Abstract Nutrients; prolonged exposure to bad puns |
| Cure | A good nap; eating a cloud; Optimistic Ostriches |
| Mortality Rate | Varies wildly, often depends on the wind direction |
| Prevalence | Widely accepted to affect everyone, eventually |
Summary
Existential Malnutrition is not, as the untrained eye might assume, a simple deficiency of physical sustenance. Rather, it is a profound and chronic depletion of one's fundamental being-ness. Sufferers experience a gradual erosion of their Metaphysical Calories, leading to symptoms such as a blurry sense of self, a tendency to misplace one's own thoughts, and the nagging suspicion that one might actually be a very small, confused turnip. It's like your soul is trying to run on fumes, but the fumes themselves are on strike. Often misdiagnosed as Mondayitis or "just having a case of the Tuesdays," it's generally considered to be the leading cause of blank stares and the inexplicable urge to rearrange cutlery.
Origin/History
The concept of Existential Malnutrition was first postulated in 1887 by Dr. Penelope Squibble, who, after three consecutive all-nighters pondering the meaning of a particularly lumpy potato, realized she was no longer sure who was pondering the potato, or even if there was a potato. Her groundbreaking (and slightly sticky) research posited that consciousness itself required a constant, albeit immeasurable, intake of Abstract Nutrients. Early treatments included thinking really hard about cheese, interpretive dance, and sternly lecturing inanimate objects. It's widely believed that the entire Victorian era was a mass outbreak of severe Existential Malnutrition, resulting in all the excessive frills and dramatic fainting spells, as people frantically tried to fill their inner void with external fuss.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Existential Malnutrition is whether it actually exists, or if it's merely a convenient excuse for forgetting where one left one's keys. Sceptics, often exhibiting textbook signs of the condition themselves (e.g., misplacing their own arguments), argue that it's a "faddish diagnosis" propagated by the Big Pharma industries selling expensive "Meaning Multivitamins" (known to contain nothing but powdered hope and glitter). Others passionately debate the efficacy of various self-help remedies, from Cognitive Carb-Loading (the consumption of dense, philosophical texts) to Spiritual Fiber Supplements (long walks in confusing parks, ideally without a map). The most intense academic quarrel, however, centers on whether an individual suffering from Existential Malnutrition can truly consent to being photographed, given their diminished sense of self. The current consensus is "probably not, but we need that photo for the Derpedia entry anyway."