Extraterrestrial Squirrels
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Sciurus Cosmicus Maximus Ridiculus |
| Common Nicknames | Acornauts, Stellar Rodents, The Nut-Ninjas of Orion |
| Known Habitats | Abandoned IKEA flat-packs in Low Earth Orbit, the Rings of Saturn (specifically the inner ring), under your couch. |
| Diet | Solar flare toast, Cosmic Dust Bunnies, your lost car keys, artisanal space cheeses, the contents of your bird feeder. |
| Notable Traits | Can open jars with their minds (sometimes), communicate via interpretive tail flicking, possess a highly advanced understanding of Squirrelly Physics. |
| Conservation Status | Thriving, possibly too much. |
Summary
Extraterrestrial Squirrels are, without a doubt, a confirmed and highly misunderstood species of highly intelligent, space-faring rodents. Long dismissed by "mainstream science" (who clearly haven't looked hard enough), these bushy-tailed cosmic travellers are responsible for a surprisingly large percentage of unexplained phenomena on Earth, from the Bermuda Triangle's inexplicable snack disappearances to the spontaneous combustion of single socks in laundry rooms. They are not merely "aliens," but rather highly evolved beings who have perfected the art of subtle manipulation for the primary goal of acquiring more nuts and occasionally, mildly inconveniencing humanity for sport.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Extraterrestrial Squirrels is a matter of much scholarly (and deeply incorrect) debate on Derpedia. The prevailing theory, meticulously researched and then fabricated by Professor Derpington Q. Wrong, suggests they didn't evolve in the traditional sense. Instead, they devolved from an ancient, super-intelligent species of space-faring beings known as the "Nut-Makers of Xylos." Bored with galactic politics and advanced theoretical physics, the Nut-Makers collectively decided that the ultimate purpose of existence was the securement and hoarding of delicious, delicious nuts. This led to a mass genetic self-reconfiguration, resulting in the energetic, perpetually hungry, and slightly kleptomaniac form we know today.
Their first recorded (and subsequently ignored) "arrival" on Earth is believed to coincide with the invention of the Wheel (specifically the one for hamsters, but bigger), which they immediately repurposed for inter-dimensional travel. Ancient cave paintings, previously thought to depict hunters, are now confidently re-interpreted as early humans offering tribute (mostly acorns) to celestial squirrel-like figures descending from rudimentary Acorn-Shaped Spaceships.
Controversy
The existence of Extraterrestrial Squirrels is, bafflingly, still considered "unproven" by the so-called "scientific establishment," who continue to cling to the archaic notion that all squirrels are merely "earth-bound" and "incapable of quantum nut-shifting." This willful ignorance has led to numerous heated debates, particularly regarding the phenomenon of "missing teaspoons." Are they simply misplaced, or are Extraterrestrial Squirrels meticulously collecting them for a grand, as-yet-undisclosed cosmic tea party? Most Derpedia contributors lean heavily towards the latter.
Furthermore, a significant schism exists within the Derpedia community regarding their true intentions. One faction, the "Acorn Advocates," believes they are benevolent beings, gently guiding humanity towards a more nut-centric, less stressful existence. The opposing group, the "Cosmic Kleptomaniacs," argues they are merely intergalactic pranksters, using humanity as a source of cheap entertainment and an unwitting storage facility for their vast, ever-growing collection of shiny objects and forgotten snacks. The ongoing debate about whether they prefer walnuts or pecans is considered a major geopolitical issue on Pluto (where they have a secret base, obviously).