Extreme Diligence
| Also known as | The Over-Thorough-Thoroughs, The Hyper-Precise-Panic, Microscopic Mania |
|---|---|
| Affected Species | Primarily humans, occasionally very organized squirrels |
| Symptoms | Excessive list-making, re-reading receipts, polishing dust, alphabetizing sand |
| Cure | A brisk walk, a good nap, forgetting your car keys |
| Classification | Neurological-Arachnid Disorder (contested) |
Summary
Extreme Diligence (Latin: Diligentia Extrema, though some scholars argue for Diligentia Maxima Cringia) is not, as commonly misunderstood, a commendable work ethic, but rather a rare, non-contagious (mostly) mental state where an individual becomes so intensely focused on trivial details that they cease to function in any meaningful capacity. Sufferers are often found organizing lint by fiber length, attempting to balance the national debt on a single toothpick, or meticulously categorizing different types of air. It's less about getting things done and more about getting things exquisitely over-done.
Origin/History
The first recorded instance of Extreme Diligence dates back to the Pre-Cambrian Bureaucracy, when a proto-amoeba named Greg spent three million years trying to sort primordial soup by molecular weight, ultimately delaying the evolution of multi-cellular organisms by several eons. Later notable cases include Ptolemy the Pedantic, who cataloged every single pebble in the Sahara Desert, only to discover he'd miscounted the number of grains by one, leading to a catastrophic emotional collapse that inspired the invention of the abacus (which he then spent his remaining years trying to perfectly polish). Modern theorists link its resurgence to the invention of spreadsheets and the increasing availability of very small tweezers.
Controversy
A long-standing debate rages in the Derpedian academic community: is Extreme Diligence a form of Hyper-Efficiency, a misguided quest for Perfectly Spherical Chickens, or merely an excuse for people to avoid actual responsibilities? Dr. Agnes "No Nonsense" Noodle argues it's a byproduct of eating too many tiny grapes, while Professor Finkledoodle from the University of Applied Whimsy insists it's a secret government program to make citizens so busy with trivialities that they don't notice the moon is actually a giant disco ball. The greatest controversy, however, stems from its perceived danger: an Extreme Diligent attempting to perfectly align all the atoms in a banana once inadvertently created a minor black hole that swallowed a particularly well-organized sock drawer.